By Ginny Hogan, Contributor

A recent study from Harvard Business School concludes that women who take a break from sexual activity lasting longer than two years are unlikely to get laid again. This is a troubling trend for sexually active women today because there are numerous reasons why a woman might need to take several years off sex in the middle of her life. There are two main types of sexual hiatuses women take — planned and unplanned. The most common causes of unplanned sex breaks are long-term relationships and pregnancies that blow their vaginas open like a pigeon drinking seltzer. The most common causes of planned sex breaks are boredom, unattractive dicks, and normal dicks. However, despite the reason for the sex break, the maximum amount of time a woman can take off sex before she has a less than 50% chance of ever getting laid again is two years, and the maximum amount of time off she can take without doing any damage to her ability to get some action again is 48 hours.

Among women with 10+ years of sexual experience who took a sex gap of more than two years, over 50% were unable to begin having sex again at all, and 30% had to start again with blow jobs and the occasional handie before getting to the good stuff. For the minority who could move directly back into getting laid, most had unfair advantages, such as having a spouse who depends on them financially or still maintaining a desirable body. In short, women pay a lot for their sex breaks, so they probably shouldn’t take them.

There are numerous theories about why it’s so challenging for women to come back to sex after time off. Karen Sheldon, a woman with an excellent 15-year track record of making men ejaculate in a prompt manner, reported that she commonly hears that her “skills aren’t sharp anymore.” Although she assures men that “lying there” is her specialty and her ability to do so has not diminished, she hears that men want a woman who has “lied there” more recently, or perhaps “lies there” as a 25-year-old. Other women worry that the field is completely different since they were last sexually active, blaming Beyoncé for a newfound obsession with asses that was not present five years ago.

This study was based on extensive research and data collection, conducted exclusively by men who are interested in having more sexual intercourse with women. The results hold true for women of all ages and races, although the researchers would like to be clear that it’s less true for women they’re not especially interested in having sex with. In the future, the researchers might try to generalize these results to see if they apply to men as well, but also they’re not that interested in those results, so they probably won’t do that. The main recommendation from the authors of this study is that women should have sex very frequently, and if they’re looking for particular suggestions, they should look no further than the people who wrote this report.

Ginny Hogan is an NYC-based stand up comic and writer. She’s written for McSweeney’s and The Hairpin and she performs comedy at clubs all over New York.  Instagram & Twitter: @ginny2357