Kathy Lynch, Contributor

Still dwelling on the incident several days later, local woman Sarah Martin confessed to reporters that she totally humiliated herself at Rachel’s housewarming party last Friday. “This really funny thing happened in the kitchenette at work earlier in the day. I was so excited to tell my friends about it at the party, that I practiced the story out loud in the car on the way over,” began Sarah’s harrowing retelling of the episode.

Sarah had fantasized about being the most charismatic guest at the party. “I thought it would be a great chance to show everyone how funny and interesting I am. My friends would all laugh hysterically at my tales, looking as carefree and delighted as those people in wine commercials. Everyone would be vying for my attention over platters of appetizers from Trader Joe’s.” That, however, was not how events unfolded.

“We were all standing around in the living room, and I was just getting to the climax of the story about my coworker leaving a gallon of expired milk in the office fridge for so long that it fermented and exploded everywhere,” continued Sarah with a twinkle in her eye. “But then I looked up and saw that no one was even looking at me! They were all paying attention to Sean, who was making farting noises with his hand and his armpit.”

After the stark realization that she had been talking and gesticulating wildly to herself in a room full of people, Sarah whispered “Haha, I guess that story shows how crazy my coworkers are,” into the ground before slinking away into the nearest bathroom.

Sarah continued to replay the embarrassing moment in her head for weeks. “I’ll be relaxing and laughing at a TV show, and then I’ll remember that I looked like a damn fool at Rachel’s party, so how could I possibly enjoy myself right now?” she lamented.

Though Sarah remained hysterical over the incident, data shows that it is highly unlikely that any other guests noticed or gave a fuck. Sources who were at the party confirmed that they did not detect any embarrassing behavior from her.

“Sarah? Oh, I didn’t really talk to her that night, she was in the bathroom for a while,” reported one guest. “But boy is that Sean one hell of a funny guy!”

Kathy Lynch is a stand up comic and writer from Massachusetts. She has performed in the Women In Comedy Festival and at ImprovBoston. Her most recent comedic accomplishment is headlining a show at a pizzeria.