By Ginny Hogan, Contributor
I’ve been to five weddings this summer, and it’s left me exhausted and broke. I’m tired of spending all my money on stupid weddings. And that’s just the flights and gifts — don’t even get me started on the weddings themselves. Why does there always have to be an open bar? I’d be fine with just seven free drinks, but once there’s an open bar, wow, that’s a challenge. So the bride’s family just has to fork over the money for that? So selfish. I want to guarantee that I never make my family or friends participate in such a gross display of waste and consumerism, and so I only date men who hate me.
My strategy has been working well for the last decade. I feel confident that no man I’ve ever dated has ever come remotely close to asking me to marry them. In fact, none of them have even invited me to meet their parents or roommates or bodega guys, so you could call me a pro. As soon as I meet a man, I evaluate whether or not he currently hates me. If he already hates me, we can continue as is, but if he doesn’t yet hate me, I need to make sure I can get him there ASAP. Strategies I’ve found successful in the past include: crying on public transit, kicking small animals, stepping on small animals, and reading his text messages and then leaving a post-it on his phone that says ‘haha your passcode is your birth year GOTCHA MOTHAFUCKA.’ All of these tactics ensure that I’ll never have to burden my loved ones with the financial cost of a wedding gift. You’re welcome.
I truly can’t believe how selfish some of my friends have been with their weddings. One friend demanded that we all fly to “Milwaukee” for her wedding just because her “dad lives there” and is “too sick to travel” but really just wants to “see his little girl get married before he dies.” I mean, I get it, but also why couldn’t they just have their wedding in Manhattan like normal human beings? Another friend said we didn’t need to get her a gift but in lieu of gifts we could donate to UNICEF in her name. Can you believe that? Like why’s it always gotta be in your name, Meghan? This isn’t about you. I never want to buy into the ridiculous wedding-UNICEF complex, so I’ve committed myself to only sleeping with men who have assured me they didn’t even save my number. Because I’m a good friend.
Note: I am a lonely woman barreling towards 30, so if you’d like to make donations of $300 or more to just my general well-being, my patreon page is patreon.com/buymeaboyfriend.
Ginny Hogan is a NYC-based stand up comic and writer. She’s written for McSweeney’s and The Hairpin and she performs comedy at clubs all over New York. Instagram & Twitter: @ginny2357