M.R. Starling, Contributor
Recently, with the 2020 Presidential Election approaching, many new or returning candidates are coming forward to announce their campaign tactics. While Bernie is unionizing his workers and Kamala Harris has anon-staff language translator, Trump has taken his campaign to the next level. Today, Trump announced his plan to have a Fyre Festival 2 to promote his 2020 election campaign.
When asked about his choice, Trump said, “I’ve always loved a good sleep away camp. Some of my best entrepreneurial ideas would come to me during dream catching seminars or group showers under the moonlight. Friendship bracelets, selling cookies, and killing squirrels with BB guns, these are some of my best boyhood memories.” When asked what his camping experience had to do with creating a sequel to a failed music festival, he responded, “Well, I made America great again, so why not the Fyre Festival?” For once, we agreed that his line of reasoning made sense, as flawed as it was.
Considering the failed attempt of the first Fyre festival, it probably couldn’t get much worse. Luckily, one of Trump’s campaign staffers had leaked a memo detailing his festival plans. By memo, we mean a photocopied version of a handwritten page from his personal diary. So, during the press conference, we were able to ask specific questions for clarification.
When asked about the location for the festival, Trump explained that he chose an island called, Wiener Neustadt, which was Joseph Stalin’s former vacation spot for when he wanted to “escape his nightmares.” Our field correspondents followed up by pointing out that Wiener Neustadt is in the Arctic Ocean, and is “ almost completely glacierized.” On top of this, the island is inhabited by Russian military personnel. Trump then responded, “Well, if this liberal ‘global warming’ thing exists, then all the ice has probably evaporated by now. So bring your bikinis, it’s going to be hot hot hot!” Since he didn’t acknowledge our second statement, we repeated it again. “Everyone needs a good camp counselor,” he said. “Hashtag Big Brother, am I right?”
We were tentative to ask about the housing situation, but it had to be done. Trump burst out and exclaimed, “WE’RE SKINNING THE ANIMALS!” Horrified, we asked for clarification. “My dearest son, Donald Jr. will be joining us for the skinning festivities because he has the most experience. There are so many polar bears and there is nothing to do with them. So why not use a couple thousand of them for some luxury festival tents?” We immediately pointed out that this would cause a massive, ecological disaster. “Disaster is my middle name,” he responded, confidently. “Also, Andrew Wheeler said it would be fine.”
After finding out about the horrific housing situation, we needed to know what was going to happen with the food. In the memo, the only thing that was written was, “Little meat for little hands.” Trump then answered, “Did you know that there are also so many seals and walruses and nothing to do with them either?” We braced for impact. “I appointed my dearest wife, Melania, as head chef because she does her best work in the kitchen where she belongs. Donald Jr. will slaughter the arctic beasts while my dear wife slaves away in the kitchen. We will have earless seal hors d’oeuvres andwalrus hamberders for din din. Melania said it reminds her of Christmas Eve.”
Remembering that this wasn’t a concentration camp, and actually a music festival, we looked at our memos to see the lineup of musicians the President had picked out. The first name we saw was Roseanne Barr, who had caused a controversy by mockingly singing the star spangled banner in 1990. “I loved Roseanne’s rendition of America’s birthday song. I sensed her passion for our country and that’s what I find the sexiest in a woman. Along with being legal. That’s right, no immigrants allowed in our festival.” We asked what songs Roseanne has lined up and the President responded, “The Star Spangled Banner, duh. I’ve given each artist a 4 hour set so get ready to hear America’s birthday song on loop!”
As we continued going down the concert lineup, we saw Trump’s daughter, Tiffany Trump, on the list. We had no idea she was a singer. When asked about his choice, Trump said, “Well, Ivanka is like my dream wife. Melania is my consolation prize wife. Donald Jr. is my protege. Baron is a little special. Tiffany was never one of my favorite children, no offense. She always acted out, and not in the good way. When Ivanka was sitting on Daddy’s lap, Tiffany was wearing dark eyeliner and eating junk food. So when she expressed interest in being an American popstar, I figured this was her chance to impress Daddy. In 2011, she came out with her hit single, Like A Bird, and sometimes I jam to it when she’s not looking. I can’t give her the gratification that a child craves from their parents. Sorry about it.” We then asked why he would give her a chance to redeem herself in his Fyre Festival 2. “ Ugh, R. Kelly backed out last minute. And then Gene Simmons. And then Baron on the triangle. I needed to fill the spot.” Instead of asking more questions about the music choices, we decided to just read the rest and keep it to ourselves. The other “artists” included Trump supporters like, Kanye West, Aaron Carter, Tila Tequila, Kid Rock, and Sarah Palin.
By now, the reporters had gotten all the information they needed, thanked the President, and started packing up. At that moment, Trump exclaimed, “WAIT! I DIDN’T GET TO TALK ABOUT THE MERCHANDISE!” The reporters then insisted that they had everything they needed, but the President yelled back, “IF YOU LEAVE, I SWEAR TO GOD I’LL SHUT THIS GOVERNMENT BACK DOWN AND NOT PAY MY WORKERS…AKA YOU.” Although we weren’t technically his workers, we felt threatened, and continued the press briefing.
We reluctantly asked about the merchandise, and Trump responded, “Well, it’s like MAGA meets the Fyre Festival. I’m very excited.” We waited for more information, but the President insisted the press briefing was now over, and we should “get out.”
Given the information from the press briefing, we concluded that Trump really does believe he will make the Fyre Festival great again. And if that’s his version of making something great again, we definitely need to hit the voting booths for the 2020 election and save ourselves.
M.R. Starling is a writer and director in Midtown Manhattan. When she isn’t producing plays or ruling over her war-like army of Betta fish, she likes to comment on human endeavors, mostly American.