Top 10 Signs You’re Dating Jack Torrance

Amber Breitbach, Contributor

  1. He knows fashion. His style includes a blue plaid flannel shirt, a deep maroon corduroy jacket, blue jeans, and Timberlands. His hairstyle is effortless, 100% roll-out-of-bed-for-a-coke-binge ready. The cherry on top is the virile grimace of apoplectic fury.
  2. He works hard. He is the winter caretaker of the Overlook Hotel. He’s taken the job due to a recent departure from his job as a teacher and is looking for a nice quiet place to write the novel he’s been mulling over.
  3. He’s a family man. He has a son who is a little bit odd, but cute. The weird thing about this kid is that he seems to be responding to internal stimuli. It’s kind of funny the way he says “redrum” in that gravelly voice. What a little darling!
  4. He’s got a great sense of humor. He quotes catchphrases from NBC late-night talk shows that ran from 1962 to 1992 with a charismatic host. Also, he is chopping his way through the bedroom door with an axe when he says it.
  5. He is really good at typing. He types, like, 100 words per minute! He types the same ten words over and over again, but he types them super fast. Sometimes he tricks you into thinking he’s written other things by changing the spacing and line indents but as soon as you start to read, you realize he’s been typing these words over and over for the past five days.
  6. He’s a natural athlete. He’s really good with a baseball bat. Come on, you should give him the bat. Just give him the bat. He’s not gonna hurt you. He’s just gonna bash your brains in. Gonna bash ’em right the fuck in!
  7. He has a lot of friends. He has a really rich social life for a guy who lives in a hotel at the top of a snowy mountain in Colorado. That place is locked down tighter than a nun’s vagina due to inclement weather, and he’s still the life of the party. He’s bullshitting with the bartender, having a tête-à-tête with the dead former caretaker, and attempting to cheat on you with an old zombie witch! He really knows how to throw a shindig when all the roads are closed and there’s an apocalypse of sweet white pow-pow outside. You’ll find yourself rubbing elbows with all sorts of fun characters.
  8. He’s an old soul. You’re pretty sure you saw a picture of him from 1921 but he looks basically the same as he does now. It was black and white with him in a tux. A bunch of people were partying around him and yeah it was captioned ‘1921’. Maybe it’s a fun Snapchat filter?
  9. He can take a hit. Remember that bat from earlier? He really bounces back after being hit with it. He just jumps up, fueled by murderous rage, and comes right back for more. That charming smile is still on his face!
  10. He’s hearty. He can make his way through a frozen, snow-filled topiary maze with little to no difficulty. Even though he suffered a severe concussion, limps for unknown reasons, and sustained frostbite, it takes a full 230 minutes to bring him to a state of deadly hypothermia.

Amber Breitbach is a full time RN, part time asshole. She grew up in MT with a bunch of weirdos and now live in ND with a couple more weirdos. This is her blog: