Things You’ve Been Doing Wrong Your Entire Life (Brought To You by Science and Your Mother)
By Lara Azar, Contributor
Here’s another article dictating how to live your life using SCIENCE! Science has been proving a lot of dramatic claims lately and this latest one is no exception: Recent studies show that your mother was right about absolutely everything.
If you leave your house with wet hair, you will get sick and your hair will fall off.
You heard it as a kid, but science has now confirmed it. Scientists have sent people outside with wet hair and watched them come back in with colds! Did they compare their results to people who went outside with dry hair? Who did they send outside? People with hair and in good health or teenagers with colds and premature balding conditions? How much hair is even falling off? We don’t know! We don’t care! You’ve already clicked on this article because it tells you how to live your life. That’s what matters! Buy this hat from a company that sponsors us!
Better posture improves digestion, helping you lose weight – which might finally make you desirable.
You may have heard these claims from your mother, and now I, an all-knowing stranger on the Internet can guilt you, too! (In case you thought this article was going to build your self–esteem, you’re wrong.) Better posture doesn’t just make you look more confident and therefore sexy; but now it makes you skinny, so even more attractive! We didn’t even read the studies this claim is based on. We just called the researchers and barely listened to them. All we really wanted was to give our dear readers another insecurity to carry with them.
Being upfront with your boyfriend does in fact lead to breakups, but you shouldn’t have dated him anyway.
This claim isn’t supported by any empirical research. One of our writers got into a fight with her mom over the phone right before calling the researcher. Instead of asking questions about the study, she asked the researcher about if the guy had been worth it. The scientist said no. So yeah, don’t talk to your boyfriend. Science approves!
And scientifically speaking, that skirt is too short. (But we already knew that.)
Lara Azar is a stand up comic, writer, and grad student. When she’s not in school or doing comedy, she can be found on public transit, receiving unsolicited advice from strangers.