Katie Qué, Contributor

Maybe you used to hate the way you look, but it’s 2018 and we’re feminists now! And being a feminist means loving your body and wearing a little crop top that says “The Future Is Female” on it (available for $29.99 on my Etsy page).  That’s pretty much all there is to it! Listen, All Bodies Are Beautiful (also a crop top available on my Etsy page), including yours, and I want to help you see that. It’s time to stop throwing your money away on diet pills and gym memberships and start Loving The Skin You’re In (www.etsy.com/buymyfeministtshirts)!  

I know what you’re thinking — it’s not that simple; you can’t just wake up one day with self- esteem; there has to be more to feminism; don’t we have to march or something?  But these are just negative thoughts that are preventing you from investing in yourself.  Trust me, only a few months ago I was just like you —  insecure, flabby, living off an allowance my parents still give me. But then I saw #BodyPositivity trending on Twitter and I was like, “I can love myself! I can fix other women! I can go viral!”  

So I went into my (parents’) kitchen, threw away all my Lean Cuisines, and created a 6-week online course entitled How to #FreeYourself from The #Patriarchy and Embrace #Feminism Through #Self-Care and #Yoga  (available for just $159.00 via PayPal, Venmo, or Cashapp). Now I’m a certified life coach!

In my course, we tackle hot topic issues such as unrealistic body standards, staying healthy, and being a girl boss through the following five modules:

1. “Real Women Have Curves and Eat Carbs” (subscribe to my app now and get a GUILT-FREE macaroni and cheese recipe)
2. “Yoga For Every Body Type, Even Yours” (video tutorials plus a discount code for ClassPass)
3. “Activism Through Likes and Retweets” (includes list of verified users who are probably feminists)
4. “Social Entrepreneurship: How to Successfully Convince Your Friends and Family to Buy Your Untested Products”

And finally:

5. “Making Peace With Your Many Flaws“ (comes with style guides              for every season!)

Believe me, I know being a woman is complicated and confusing, but you’ve got to learn how to take advantage of that! It’s time to start Living Your Best Life (on sale for 50% off). So buy a t-shirt, sign up for my course, and start calling yourself a feminist TODAY.

Katie Qué is a Boston-based comedian and writer who veils her feminist agenda behind upspeak and vocal fry. Her self-worth depends entirely on likes and retweets. Follow her: @imyourkatieque