Elsa Nierenberg, Contributor
In 1994, Mariah Carey wrote the hit song All I Want For Christmas is You, touching millions of listeners worldwide. But I’m here to tell you, Mariah, that what I want for Christmas is for you to pay off my student loans.
Let’s start with the real talk. Do I know what you’ve been up to since the lip sync fiasco of the AMAs that broke the hearts of fans and viewers alike? No, but quite frankly, I don’t care. It’s not because I don’t follow your career whatsoever and frequently mix you up with other blonde artists including Shakira, Kesha, and once, Meryl Streep— it’s because you’re definitely still rich. For sure. So come this holiday season, I want you, Mariah Carrey, to bail me out of all my student loan debt.
Look, you’re successful, rich, and could totally do it. I may have no concept of how hard it is to become a famous musical artist, but what I am deeply versed in is having passionate and mostly unnecessary discussions about Shakespeare at a small liberal arts college. And sure, they’re fun conversations and the food isn’t that bad, but honestly, I’d rather not graduate in debt having exclusively learned how to analyze early English literature and make impeccable cappuccinos at Starbucks. You get it, right?
Here’s what I propose: you pay off my student loans for absolutely nothing in return. While I have no idea why you’re not already convinced, we’ll even sweeten the deal by calling it charity work or “a bold artistic choice.” Most importantly, you essentially said in your song that Christmas is the time to ask for what we want. This is me asking.
Let me be clear: I’m not focused on the romantic elements of your best-selling Christmas love song. This isn’t a come on. In fact, I’m not even offering to seep with you, I’m really just trying to graduate debt-free without working a job or doing anything to actively make that happen. I’m not even single, so please, don’t even think about it. I cannot stress this enough: I’m solely in it for the no-strings-attached cash.
If being a college student has taught me anything, it’s how to do technically nothing while claiming that it’s furthering my mental and emotional growth as a student and human. Nothing can make that happen more than you buying me out of a lifetime of temp jobs and instant ramen. Why should you fund my college experience over anyone else’s? That’s a great question—it’s certainly not because I’m a good student. It’s because this is my Christmas wish.
So this year, before you settle in and gather ’round the Christmas tree with the kids and your long-suffering assistant, consider making my one wish come true and paying off my student loans. It’s the least you could do.
Elsa Nierenberg is a stand up comic, comedic writer, and student at Bryn Mawr College. You can find more of her writing online on Little Old Lady Comedy and Points in Case and you can see her performing stand up throughout Boston and Philadelphia.