By Abigail Barr, Contributor
It is with a heavy heart that I reject your request to be my boyfriend. You seemed patient, kind, smart, funny, and sweet. Any girl would be lucky to have you. I was so impressed when you held the door for me, paid for most of dinner, and remembered one thing I said. The issue is, I’m a lifestyle blogger who writes about being single and going out with such a nice guy would be ridiculously off brand for me. I had a conversation with my sponsors: Icy Heart (an ice cream perfect for singles eating alone on the couch and crying), RoCo (the new romantic comedy streaming service, only $4.99 a month to watch movies like When Harry Met Sally, Must Love Dogs, It’s Complicated, and other movies that only air on Lifetime), and Delivr (an app that sends only the hottest deliverymen to your door to drop off your takeout.) They all agreed: I couldn’t blog about how miserable being single is, but feels better while eating some nice IcyHeart ($3.99 at any big box store), watching a sweet film on RoCo (their only advertiser is Activia!) and getting my next bacon wrapped burger on Delivr (over 500 restaurants participating with over 1500 sexy deliverymen) if I was dating such a catch! They’re really twisting my arm about this and I can’t keep my small business afloat without these deals.
You understand my predicament, yes? It’s so hard these days to find a connection, but it’s even harder to make yourself a relatable brand. There’s been an increasing amount of competition in my lifestyle market, from single dogs on Instagram who are looking for love and/or adoptions, to a long lost Kardashian they found in Kris Jenner’s basement. I’m trying to be savvy about this, and other than trying to get my eleven year old niece to run my Snapchat or God forbid, go to my sponsors’ competitors, like HoRo (Horror movies you watch by yourself so dying alone isn’t the scariest thing you can think of, $2.99 a month with the purchase of a Roku) my hands are really tied here. I couldn’t believe all the basic human credentials you had, like the ability to not start all your sentences with dude, your willingness to bring food to my potluck even if it was just microwaved Trader Joe’s hors d’oeuvres, and your vanilla tastes in the bedroom (Icy Heart’s flavors are so interesting that they don’t even carry vanilla! But I digress.) You would make any sentient woman so happy. Unfortunately, that woman is not me. I just wanted to tell you something.
It’s not you, it’s my #sponsored products.
Love Always (A new movie coming to RoCo starring Diane Keaton, Richard Gere, and seventeen cats),
This breakup letter was written with a communications concierge from Say It With Pigeons: A new service that commissions a writer to craft a beautiful message, sent with only the finest, non disease-carrying carrier pigeons.
Abigail Barr is a comedy writer based in New York City. Her sketches have been seen onstage at UCB, The PIT, The Magnet, and The Reckless Theater, and she regularly contributes jokes and articles to Funny or Die, where her content has been seen over 40,000 times. Follow her on Twitter @1abbyroad and subscribe to her YouTube channel, Abby Road Productions.