How To Relax After A Long Day of Sleeping Your Way To The Top

Elizabeth Teets, Contributor

In today’s world, being a working woman is all about building your brand and seizing opportunity. Luckily opportunity is everywhere, including in the form of you and your editor alone on a yacht. But remember: it’s important to take time to relax, because even though Matt in accounting says you are fucking your way to the top, we are here to remind you – that is work, too. Does Matt understand how difficult it was for you to fit in a bikini wax in between meeting this week’s deadline and staying two hours later than usual at the office every night? No. He doesn’t even tweeze his ear hair.  So kick back and unwind with these tips for the perfect You Time, because you deserve it.

Take a Relaxing Bath

Nothing feels more luxurious after a long day than a bath. Make sure to add some extra glamour like a nice bath bomb, or some diamonds from your sugar daddy’s vault.

Go to the Theater

Getting dressed up for the opera can be just the change of pace you need! You can also spy on the folks in the box seats and see who is available to be your next boyfriend/investor.


A mani pedi serves a dual purpose: as you unwind, think of how all that pampering will help you secure future dates/business partnerships.

Relax in Nature

Nothing is better than taking a stroll in nature. Plus, the nearby cemetery contains wonderful greenery and the graves of the two late oil tycoons who financed your clothing empire and your memoir’s publication.


Treat yourself! You have worked very hard flirting with your boss to get promotions that, according to your white male contemporaries, should have gone to them. Reward yourself on a job well done with a new Dior handbag.  Just make sure to charge it to the boss’s credit card.

Elizabeth Teets is a Portland-based writer and comedian. She is the host of Queens of Hollywood on X-Ray FM, where she shares the gospels of John Waters and Legally Blonde. She is asleep on the couch in the lobby of the Hollywood Theater if you need her for any reason.