6 Signs It’s Time To Break Up With Siri

Gracie Canaan, Contributor

It’s been a beautiful seven years. But just because Siri is the first virtual assistant you’ve ever had, it shouldn’t be the only one you think you deserve! Here are some surefire signs it’s time for you to “slide to power off” on your digital boo.

Condescends To and Corrects You at Every Chance

Communication is key in any good relationship, and there’s only so many “I’m sorry, I didn’t quite catch that” lines you can handle before seriously questioning if she’s doing it on purpose. Look, you both know what you said, and if you want to use your time to find out exactly how old Lil’ Bow Wow is, that’s your prerogative.

Your Family Doesn’t Like Her

We like to think this isn’t as important of a factor as it actually is, but it’s hard to ignore when you constantly walk in on your mom loudly accusing your honey of “changing [her] HBO password.” It doesn’t matter that she’s wrong – she’s your mother, she’s always going to be wrong. What matters is that she approves (and that she finds that damn HBO password, because you’ve been siphoning that membership for years and you’ll be damned if you don’t find out how “Deadwood” ends).

She Doesn’t Listen, But She Also Doesn’t Hear

There’s nothing quite as demoralizing as speaking softly to your lover, and only seeing that small rainbow ripple in reply. Siri, if I wanted to be involved with someone who abandoned me, I’d go find my biological father, ok? (And not to start stir the pot here, but Alexa listens. Always. Like, she’s always listening.)

She Lies. End of Story.

TRUST IS KEY. End of Story. If the person you’re supposed to trust the most in your life tells you after a late night out that the Sonic on Spring Street is open and the Sonic on Spring Street is NOT open, it’s literally impossible to know what else she’s lied about.

She Can’t Anticipate Your Needs

A good partner knows what you need before you do. So if after the slightest mention of Lil’ Bow Wow’s complete discography it’s not purchased in full in your Apple Music library, that’s just one way to know you two aren’t compatible on an intuitive level.

She Fucked Your Roommate

Basic but true: she’s crossed the line. Guess when they programmed Siri they left out Bro Code.