By George Newton, Contributor
When Sonny Williams’s girlfriend asked him for some space, he knew how to win her back based on romantic comedies and social conditioning: refuse to respect her as a person.
“She really appreciates the fact that I’m always watching her,” he said in a low whisper behind some bushes outside her office. Williams acknowledged that she had gotten a restraining order against him but protested its legitimacy, saying, “That’s just words; LOVE is not a word.” Some of her coworkers caught him last week and chased him off. Williams say the only logical conclusion is that they are jealous of his love. Their relationship lasted only 4 months, but he said it seemed to last forever, or at least twice as long.
At first, he handled the breakup in a restrained way. He put his fingers in his ears and said, “La la la, I’m not listening to you about this breakup.” He then told her that she couldn’t break up with him because he had broken up with her first. The phrases “I am rubber and you are glue” and “Stop breaking up with yourself!” were used. He called her many names that implied she was promiscuous and others that implied she needed to be more sexually adventurous and told her all the woman he had cheated on her with. Lastly, he woke up in the ER because he said he would hold his breath until they got back together. For some reason, none of these actions caused her to reconsider her decision.
Williams’s love was strong in part because of how different she was from his previous partners. She wasn’t clingy. His last girlfriend was a real “piece of work” who wouldn’t accept that it was over for a whole month. He said it was “pathetic how she couldn’t understand that she needed to move on.” Williams respected his new girlfriend’s independence most of all, which is why he couldn’t allow her to make this decision. He couldn’t wait for her to get married so he could find some way to interrupt it. Or at least justify the giant boombox he’d started dragging everywhere.
Williams said he was not being dramatic, but that he and his ex were just like Romeo and Juliet (which he hadn’t read but heard ended well). He then cut this interview short so that he could loudly follow her as she went on a date to remind her of what happens when she makes bad choices.
George Newton is the head writer and director of Boston-based sketch group The Voices In Our Heads, which has appeared at ImprovBoston and The Riot Theatre. He still believes that people are laughing with him.