By George Newton, Contributor
A deep secret was finally exposed today when the majority leader of the Senate gave a reason for defunding Planned Parenthood. According to him, it was because they weren’t allowed to read the Canadian children’s book Anne of Green Gables.
“We were forced to read about dinosaurs and rocket ships and not about how one child’s tragic upbringing could change two elderly spinsters. Or how dreamy Gilbert Blythe is. Therefore, it’s only fair that women have unwanted babies,” Senator Chris Cornhusker said in a prepared statement.
The other senators gasped and then nodded, glad that their secret shame could be revealed to the world. “We were forced to read about Batman. He’s just an orphan who uses money to solve his problems. But Anne uses the power of the human spirit!” Kenneth Balemaster, another senator, exclaimed. He then added that in his experience most women were more like Josie Pye, causing gasps that anyone would dare mention Anne’s most hated female rival without spitting on the ground.
Many spoke of disappointed trips to Disney World instead of Lucy Maud Montgomery’s birthplace, distraught that they’d never paid proper respects to Anne‘s author. “How can Splash Mountain compete with knowing you breathed the same air as the creator of two spinsters who just learned that girls are people too?” Balemaster added.
Lawmakers agreed that it would be an exaggeration to say that not being able to read one series of books caused them to pass this law. Little Women and other Louisa May Alcott books were also mentioned. Many men talked about how these books had to be read in secret. One congressman had tears in his eyes as he recounted disguising Jo’s Boys, the epic conclusion to the Little Women trilogy, as pornography just to survive. He hoped he would be forgiven.
Cornhusker couldn’t understand why some people would find this argument unbelievable. “If the great Jo March has to end up with Professor Bhaer, a.k.a. some old German guy, then maybe women deserve to have a few extra kids. Maybe that’s just life.” As he turned to go, he added that access to reliable family planning would create a nation of Beth Marches, a character who died tragically because she touched poor people.
It’s not just turn of the century novels that gave GOP senators this idea. They discussed how lame being able to fly is compared to finding a magic pair of pants that fits everyone. They expressed hope that one day, they could play School instead of Ninjas vs. Pirates. They also noted how hard it is for redheaded males to hide their admiration for one of their greatest heroes and her profound influence on them. This difficulty compounds the stigma they already suffer as “gingers” who supposedly “have no souls.”
George Newton is the head writer and director of Boston-based sketch group The Voices In Our Heads, which has appeared at ImprovBoston and The Riot Theatre. He still believes that people are laughing with him.