Reasons I Am That Woman

Sarah James, Contributor

You know you don’t like me, but you’ve never been quite able to put your finger on why.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m very nice, but there’s just something about me that’s a bit… annoying.  Infuriating, really!  What is it?

It’s because I’m that woman.  Allow me to explain:

I gave up sugar a year ago, and after awhile, I stopped craving it.  In fact, if I were to eat sugar right now, I’d get so sick I’d have to recline on a fainting couch for an entire afternoon, being fanned by a chorus boy from the Paper Mill Playhouse production of “Mame.”

Going home for Thanksgiving is delightful for me.  All my uncles are Democrats.

When I make an omelette, I never give up halfway and just make scrambled eggs with things in it.

I was in a sorority, but not one of the ones you can make fun of, one of the ones that just made friends and did a lot of volunteering, and if you stalk our photos on Facebook (which I know you will) you’ll see my sisters are very ethnically diverse.

I actually did get discovered on the Jumbotron of a sporting event, and it was very early in the game, so I didn’t have to sit through the rest.

When I’m wearing a unique item of impossibly trendy clothing, and you ask where I purchased it, the answer is “Goodwill.”  You might think that I am just luckier at shopping at Goodwill than you are, but the answer is no.  I know a secret section of Goodwill, and they only let in people who weren’t on a college improv team.

I’ve had cucumbers on my eyes.  It’s a real thing, and I’ve done it.

Running is my favorite pastime.  On days when I don’t run, I’m just not myself.  If I don’t get a quick 5K in the morning, I spend the rest of the day fearing I need to be immediately hospitalized for nerves, and spend several months recuperating by the sea.

Speaking of running: I don’t sweat, I glisten.  It’s cliche but I swear to god, touch my skin.  Touch it right now.  See?  Dry as a bone.

Walking in heels isn’t painful for me.  Expensive heels make all the difference, so it’s good I can afford multiple pairs.

I drink the recommended 64oz of water a day, yet you’ll never see me carry around one of those planet-destroying “water bottles.”  Instead, all water I drink is condensation from a lotus leaf that is gently dripped into my mouth by Al Gore himself.  It’s very green.

I don’t look like the sort of lady who always has a Luna Bar on her, but go ahead.  Try me.

You like my manicure?  Thanks!  I did it myself.  I haven’t been to a nail salon since that New York Times piece, which I fully read instead of just “getting the gist of it” on Twitter.

I moisturize every single day.  My skin locks in so much moisture, it’s sponsored by Bank of America as an official hydration source for the Chicago Marathon.

Every coupon CVS has printed on my receipts, I’ve used.  I’ve saved millions of dollars, which I used to hire the Property Brothers to build me a new television channel.

My Instagram is so popular, I landed a book deal.  And if you think that’s unfair, wait until you hear this: I didn’t even have to write anything.  They just printed out pictures from my Instagram and sold them in a bound book.  I can practically hear you shouting “Who would even buy that?!!!!” and the answer is a lot of people.  Including Michelle Obama.

None of my ripped jeans came that way.  I got those holes through Hard Work.

Sarah James is a writer in Los Angeles whose work has appeared in Reductress, The Toast, and others. Follow her on Twitter for too many cat pictures: @cryingbaseball.