Abigail Barr, Contributor
I Can Be a Lawyer Barbie!
This barbie comes with a check, showing that she gets paid 23% less than a male lawyer at her firm, and a trendy blazer because her office is always 2 degrees below zero.
I Can Be a Doctor Barbie!
Barbie comes with lifesaving medicine, but you’ll still ask if she’s the nurse. Her scrubs are the only flattering ones in existence.
I Can Be a Flight Attendant Barbie!
Barbie comes with TWO outfits from disgraced airlines, Delta and United! She also carries a teeny tiny plastic bag that holds approximately one pretzel.
I Can Be a Painter If You Pay For My $20,000 Art School Barbie!
This Barbie comes with unpaid student loans and a painting of a depressed pear. Her pants are also permanently stained with spray paint.
I Can Be a Waitress and Wish The Tips Will Be Enough to Cover My Rent Barbie!
This Barbie can laugh, in case someone writes hate speech on her receipt instead of a tip!
I Can Be a Computer Engineer If The Government Invests in STEM Education Barbie!
Barbie has her own penguin from Linux, a computer system she knows better than all the boys, but she still might not get hired because her female body is too “distracting.”
I Can Be a Ballerina As Long As I Don’t Get a Minor Injury Preventing Me From Dancing En Pointe Barbie!
This Barbie comes with her own water bottle, since she can’t eat any food! Gotta maintain that dancer bod.
I Can Be a “Photographer” by Over Filtering Some Latte Art and Adding 100,000 Hashtags to an Instagram Photo Barbie!
#barbielife #barbiegirl #latte #foodporn #art #dog #fun #likeforlike #followforfollow #pleasestalkmelol #everyfilter
I Can Be President But Due to Russian Hacking And Narrow Electoral College Victories I Won’t Be Barbie!
She has eighty pantsuits, but whichever one she puts on won’t make her more likable. She comes with a wide smile, which Ken will only interpret as “sort of crazy looking.”
I Can Be a Singer and Imitate Ellie Goulding On The Voice So Blake Shelton Will Tell Me My Voice is Super “Unique” Barbie!
This Barbie has an extra agreeable face, so she can pretend she actually knows who The Voice guest judge Kenny Loggins is!
I Can Be A Pet Stylist And Hope My Social Media Will Give Me a Reality Show on Bravo and a Line of Branded Dog Moisturizer Products Barbie!
The Real Dog Stylists of Marin County have nothing on Barbie!
I Can Be a Secretary and Look The Other Way While My Boss Cheats On His Wife Barbie!
Whether her boss is Don Draper, or just some dude in middle management whose name also happens to be Don, Barbie’s head turns all the way around so she can’t see him cheating!