By George Newton, Contributor
Chad Campbell, who describes himself as “300 pounds of pure love,” accepted the Medal of Honor for his “incredibly brave and humble” decision to be seen in public with a woman who was almost average weight.
“I know I’m a catch, but I held her hand anyway and deserve your applause,” said the single, unemployed 23-year-old, who lives in his mom’s basement due to Call of Duty-related injuries (he is currently investing in a Chuck E. Cheese where you can vape). Chad then explained that he was a virgin “by total choice” because he was waiting for a Scarlett Johansson- or Mila Kunis-type, except younger and more Asian.
“Damn girl, you seem to be curvy and/or plus sized,” was Chad’s introduction to the grad student, who asked that her name be withheld from this article. He allowed her to have meat on her salad as he finished two burgers. When asked to describe what drove his heroism, Chad thought for a minute, looked to the sky and said it was a combination of lower standards and being “mad horny, yo.”
He said he hoped he could be an example for other men, explaining that women don’t have to be stick thin and could eat more than one meal a day: “Their boobs and butts will be bigger, and isn’t that the important thing?” There was not a dry eye in the house as he elaborated, saying that it wouldn’t matter what size his daughter was; he would find a man to objectify her, which is the primary dream/job of every woman.
An enormous American flag was raised behind him as he talked about how firefighters run into burning buildings, not knowing if they will survive, while he embraced a thick girl who could have died at any second of “fatness.” He called on fashion magazines to put more average girls on the cover and appeared concerned when told that many of them already did. He mumbled something about feeling less special, but he was patted on the head and told that wasn’t true. (When told some stores were carrying more clothes for the average woman, he cocked his head to the side and said, “…like they’re regular people.”)
He promised to never forget what the medal meant and that he would treasure it always, guaranteeing he’d wear it with pride the next time he “boned a fatty…for America.” When asked why no one praised the woman for being seen with a man whose build is “Kevin James-like,” he asked for the question to be repeated several times and then answered, “I have a medal.”
George Newton is the head writer and director of Boston-based sketch group The Voices In Our Heads, which has appeared at ImprovBoston and The Riot Theatre. He still believes that people are laughing with him.