By Nat Hrvatin, Contributor
In the 19th century, Oscar Wilde’s writing illuminated the hypocrisies and lunacy of high society. His witty expressions transcend centuries to apply to today’s modern socialite: the social media influencer.
“To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.”
Rewrite: “Recognize your hotness by posting a picture that shows your hotness and then getting a thousand comments that say: ‘Wow, you’re hot’.”
“Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.”
Rewrite: Use your fake Instagram account to troll Kylie Jenner.
“Who, being loved, is poor.”
Rewrite: You should absolutely say yes to the fad diet company asking you to promote their meal replacement shake.
“Memory…is the diary that we all carry about with us.”
Rewrite: Please continue refreshing your Twitter feed every five minutes.
“Women are made to be loved, not understood.”
Rewrite: “They don’t need to understand that it’s really botox that’s responsible for your taut jawline.”
“No great artist ever sees things as they really are. If he did, he would cease to be an artist.”
Rewrite: “Curating your pomeranian’s collection of raincoats and boots is what sustains you. Therefore, it is art.”
“No man is rich enough to buy back his past.”
Rewrite: “You can’t undo six months with a brainless, though chiseled, former boy band member, but you can pay him off when he inevitably threatens to leak your nudes.”
“A good friend will always stab you in the front.”
Rewrite: Your bff is now dating that braindead boy band has-been, but at least she had the decency to let you know via her Instagram stories.
“Always forgive your enemies — nothing annoys them so much.”
Rewrite: I’m sure your bff will forgive you for spilling five gallons of Elmer’s glue over her new Mercedes and spelling out “slutbag” in cursive.
“Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.”
Rewrite: Filming your YouTube apology while getting your bikini wax was merely an “experience.”
Nat Hrvatin is a writer, performer, and educator from Cleveland, Ohio. Her work has appeared in Stay Journal and The Satirist. Check out her website: nathrvatin.com.