Op Ed

Take It From the Local Sheriff, There’s No Damned Monster in The Town Lake

A young  boy enjoys the placid waters at Lake Killingsworth 

By Mac Danvers, Sheriff
Plainview, Indiana

Look, I know you’ve all been hearing a lot of unfounded rumors about goings-on at old Killingsworth Lake, and I’ve called this meeting to let you know that my deputy and I are doing everything in our power to resolve the issue and answer your questions. You may have noticed we’ve had some visitors in town recently. It seems they’ve got it into their heads that these stories about some kind of monster living in the lake have some kind of substance to them, and that is simply not true. Now settle down everyone, settle down! That means you, McAllister.

We’ve got a reporter and a photographer come all the way down from Chicago and a lady scientist from the university up there riling everyone up, but I can assure you, deputy Collins and I have everything in hand, and he’ll be happy to tell you the same as soon as he gets back from patrolling the lake, which should be any minute now.

Everyone, quiet down, quiet down! Now I think we can all agree we’ve had our share of harmless pranks from some of the young folks around here. I was the ringleader of a few myself in my younger years – old man Tompkins still can’t figure out how we got his cow up on the roof – and I know that’s the type of thing that’s going on here. Those teenagers who haven’t been seen around in a few days are probably out camping in the woods right now, roasting wieners and having laugh at our expense. And I’m not saying that young Mary-Lou Withers isn’t telling the truth about seeing something big at the lake, but we all know 6-year-olds have active imaginations. Could have been almost anything out on the lake. A few used tires, some old logs, or a dead horse floating around out there.

Besides which, a body of water the size of Lake Killingsworth would not be able to support a predator of this purported size, nor would the creature be able to keep out of view. Evolutionarily, the combination of reptilian features, fur, flippers, and spider-like legs doesn’t add up. There’s nothing in the fossil record to suggest any similar creature ever existed – Now Reverend Atkins, please hold your comments until the end. Yes, well regardless of the the veracity of the theory of evolution, there’s still no precedent for this type of creature in nature or the bible.

Now please, go back to your houses and places of business and go about your day as normal. I assure you there’s nothing to worry — oh wait, we’re getting something in from deputy Collins over the radio. What’s that? [Static] Can’t make out what your saying, deputy [Garbled sounds]. Speak up. [Silence].

Alright, looks like the radio’s gone dead on the deputy’s end. Blasted old thing. As I was saying, I can talk individually with anyone who would like to after this meeting, and everyone else, please enjoy the bundt cake and coffee Ms. Emma Cousins was kind enough to bring by.

Mac Danvers was born and raised right here in Plainview.  He’s been married to his high school sweetheart, Besty Danvers (née Vanderlin), since right after graduation. Betsy is the town librarian. They have two adult children, Beth and Carl, and a baby grandson, named Mac after his grandaddy, who was born to Beth and her husband Frank last fall. Mac has been the sheriff of Plainview for over 20 years and he’s had just about enough of this nonsense.