New App Gives Cash Back Every Time You Feign Interest in Male Coworker’s Music Project
Kathy Lynch, Contributor
A group of independent developers recently announced the release of a revolutionary app called RudeManCash, which will give women up to $5 each time they politely listen to male coworkers go on and on about their artistic hobbies. “You can think of it as a cash back app similar to Ibotta or Ebates, except it rewards you for tedious emotional labor instead of shopping,” reported a RudeManCash developer.
“I’m excited about RudeManCash because now I can finally feel like I’m getting something out of these one-sided conversations. I wish these men would realize that I also have interests and hobbies that I’d like to discuss meaningfully with them, but I’ll settle for the five bucks,” reported Lisa Martinez, who often listens to her acquaintance Brian drone on about his local acoustic gigs. “Brian will talk non-stop about equipment and his musical influences, but whenever I mention something about my life he says ‘Haha, ok,’ then brings the conversation right back to pedalboards.”
New RudeManCash users initially wondered how to go about submitting proof of their awful conversations for reimbursement. Developers have assured them that the app uses advanced facial recognition software to pinpoint misery. “Take a selfie after your horrible conversation, and the app will decide how much to pay you based on how mentally drained you look,” explained the user experience contact at RudeManCash. “If you have a slight frown because Sean spoke at length about his new amp without asking how you’re doing, we’ll give you $2. However, if you’ve clearly just been through the ringer of witnessing Brandon’s blow by blow reenactment of his ‘sick’ drum solo from last night, complete with enthusiastic finger tapping on the cafeteria table, you definitely deserve $5.”
Upon learning about RudeManCash, men denounced the app as catty and underhanded. “If some woman has a problem with what I talk about, why can’t she just tell me to my face like a respectable person?” complained Trevor, who moonlights as a DJ and makes sure people know about it. Unbeknownst to Trevor, his friend Sarah had recently tried to explain how she feels frustrated when he doesn’t listen to her, but he plowed on with a vivid description of his killer strobe light setup before she could get the words out.
The RudeManCash team was quick to respond to criticism on Twitter. “Regardless of what the haters say, we believe that our app empowers women,” they stated.
Sources report that app is free to download, but full of sexist ads for questionable diet products.
Kathy Lynch is a comic and writer from Massachusetts. She has performed in the Women In Comedy Festival and contributes to Reductress. Her most recent comedic accomplishment is headlining a show at a pizzeria.