Melissa Pelletier, Contributor
To the Office of the President:
We need to put a team together to investigate a report we got that seems too frightening to ignore. Some local men in a Neighborhood Watch saw a few women walking outside together, when the moon took on a shade of red – you know, the “blood moon?” They would bet good money that those women were up to no good, and that some magical force was behind that blood moon, calling out to women who are on their periods, to come together and use their mystical powers to wreak havoc. God only knows what they’re capable of.
These fellas said that the blood moon is like a beacon for these females, a homing signal, just like Batman uses. I’ve never heard a more terrifying premise. Now I think there’s really something to this, because I hear the moon is responsible for womenfolk’s cycles in the first place.
I can only imagine these females joining forces through this disgusting, cosmic connection, and probably meeting in the middle of a forest, or a field somewhere. This is probably where they’re knitting their vagina hats, or plotting to kill us all. They see that moon, and they mindlessly leave their homes – their families! – and set out for a night of rampaging through the streets, leaving no man alive in their wake, and spewing out their hateful, vitriolic madness. Or worse! Maybe they’re looting, stealing, sacrificing things. We just don’t know.
Despite scientific predictions, you also really never know when the blood moon will strike next. I think we need to set up a secret task force that will quietly prepare for these events – set it up outside of government if necessary – using tax dollars for it. We should probably keep an eye on women during every full moon as well, because, you know, that’s only one difference away from the blood moon. That’s gotta mean something. We can’t be too careful. I am so grateful to our friends down in Texas for bringing this horrible observation to our attention. And quite frankly, I’m not surprised.
Melissa Pelletier is an education researcher and writer, who writes humor as a coping mechanism for living and breathing in America. She lives in South Shore, Long Island, with her husband, two kids, and beagle, and typically saves her weird writing for the evening hours. Her humor has been featured at McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, The Hairpin (RIP), Weekly Humorist, and Robot Butt, among other distinguished outlets. Follow her on Twitter @TheyBredRaptors