Man Annoyed At Not Being Given Parade Despite Being Loudly Feminist For Almost an Hour
A visual representation of Chase’s attitude.
By George Newton, Contributor
After checking his watch for the second time, Roger Chase was annoyed to find no parade in his honor despite being loudly feminist for almost an hour.
“I didn’t do it for the credit, but it would be nice to be acknowledged,” Chase said as showed a printout of the Facebook pages he’d Liked in the last 47-and-a-half minutes. He also demonstrated a keen understanding of gender roles when he loudly told a young woman, “Even though you dress like a slut, I would never call you one.” His initial assumption was proven correct when she refused to sleep with him afterwards, even though he is a nice guy.
This was not the first time that Chase’s feminism was not sufficiently acknowledged. He once helped a woman move and did not expect her to sleep with him. He wasn’t mad about it and he hadn’t thought about it for over three years. Okay, maybe he was upset, but it had nothing to do with the sex. She knew that the sex was implied and didn’t say anything. It was the dishonesty that angered him. All she had to do was say “Lifting a few heavy objects does not mean you get to sleep with me,” and it would have been okay. He may have stopped returning her phone calls and never told her why, but he would have appreciated her honesty. (When later asked if he helped male friends move without any promise regarding sex, Chase told this reporter that it was “different.” When asked for clarification, he said “because.” At press time, Chase refused to comment further.)
Chase did not expect the greatest parade ever. He only asked that it include a brass band, baton twirlers, the local Chamber of Commerce, clowns, caged animals, every woman who wouldn’t date him, a few dozen floats, and some baked treats. (He said he didn’t expect the women to do all the baking. He had learned that assumption was sexist and should not be said, because women didn’t like that it was true.)
Despite this setback, he said he would not stop being loudly feminist, at least until the end of the day. His eyes became a bit misty when he talked about how women earn less money than men. He said this discrepancy was wrong and that he would fight hard for a world in which his wife made even more money than him, so he could buy more video games.
When asked why he deserved to be celebrated when women have to deal with sexism everyday, Chase said that no one talks about how hard it is for white males — but he wasn’t complaining. He asked this reporter multiple times if the parade was coming until he was told “yes,” patted on the head, and given his favorite treat. He said he worked hard for this parade, and others could have a parade if they just worked hard instead needing praise for everything they did, like some snowflake.
George Newton is the head writer and director of Boston-based sketch group The Voices In Our Heads, which has appeared at ImprovBoston and The Riot Theatre. He still believes that people are laughing with him.