Local News
Local Man Likes/Shares All WICF Daily Articles In Hopes Of Landing Progressive Pussy
Chris O’Connell, Contributor
“Liberal girls are just more liberal, if you get my drift,” said Somerville resident Jordan Terry, 28, motioning towards his own behind. “They’re all about enjoying themselves.”
Terry, a self-described “ladies man,” found a dearth of clams when he moved north for his job as an IT consultant. Disappointed with his prospects, Terry tried everything to improve his luck in the bedroom: negging, catfishing, aggressive stalking, gaslighting, that thing where you contact her mom first and try to get her to like you, etc.
But it wasn’t until he was mistaken for a sympathetic male ally at a #MeToo rally that Terry discovered the secret to getting laid.
“Fake it ’til you make it, baby,” said Terry.
His first unnamed conquest did things Terry had only seen in his daily marathon-length porn sessions. Compared to the conservative blondes Terry was used to, this unknown minx was mind-bending.
“Girls from home just had sex with you so you’d marry them and give them a kid. And then they would stop having sex with you! I like women who wantto have sex.”
Encouraged by his encounter, Terry plotted his new approach to the female species. He started by updating his Tinder profile to show such interests as St. Vincent, Burning Man, and Equal Pay for Equal Work, “whatever that means.” He looked up his astrological sign (Scorpio). He wears a “pussy” hat he knit himself and started his own Tumblr.
Inundating himself with progressive culture, it wasn’t long before Terry discovered WICF Daily. Now that he has, he’s convinced that by showing his support for local events and performers, his prospects will go through the roof. When asked if he would attend any of the comedy events he’s shared, he laughed. “Women aren’t funny.”
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Politics
Most Trump Voters Still Believe He’s Doing A Good Job In Improv Show
Trump, performing with college troupe “Dutch Coven” takes a suggestion from the audience and then completely ignores it.
By Marcia Baker, Contributor
In what seems like six month into an improv show, a study found that most trump supporters still believe he’s doing a good job, despite historically low approval ratings from the general audience.
“They were doing a scene about Amish people living on the moon, and out of nowhere, the president threatens to bomb North Korea”, said audience member Heather Lopes.
I caught up with one of Trump’s exhausted teammates, Zach Wolcott, on the sidelines. “I’ve never seen someone deny the reality of the scene and steamroll everyone so thoroughly. Not only does he not understand the basic tenets of improv, he’s constantly breaking character to insult the college newspaper reporter covering the event and calling it fake news.” I keep trying to sweep his scenes and he just ignores it or yells out something like “Look, low-rated Joe Scarborough is desperate to get into a scene. I say ‘no’!”
At a press conference earlier in the day, Sarah Huckabee Sanders said that she had dropped by the event and that all see saw was “a huge crowd of college students pretty excited to see the president doing improv and cheering loudly at his offers.”
At press time, the improv team “Rhymes With Orange”, set to perform the second half of the show, was still waiting backstage, warming up with improv exercises like “Have You Seen My Cat” for the third hour straight.
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