Paige Smith, Contributor
Since news broke that Halle Bailey will be portraying Ariel in Disney’s live action remake of The Little Mermaid, the Internet has been buzzing about who should play her leading man, Prince Eric. We’ve compiled a list of frontrunners, so Disney: pay attention.
Since splashing onto the scene, Noah Centineo has been at the top of every little girl’s wish list – and the tall, dark, handsome Centineo seems to be just Ariel’s type. Plus, he starred in a movie called Turkles about sea turtles eggs. Sea? Turtles? Mermaid? Could this match be one made in saltwater Heaven?
We know he can sing, but like Harry Styles in Dunkirk, it’s time for this pop star to prove he can swim. Mendes has the looks and metrosexuality of a Disney prince. However, at the tender age of 20, it’s unlikely Mendes really knows how to satisfy a woman – especially a fish woman with a tail, gills, and fish coochie.
No sugar coating here. Casting Fisher would be the biggest mistake Disney could make and nothing more than a shallow attempt to generate buzz ahead of filming. Fisher? How inappropriate to make light of a “sport” that kills Ariel and her friends. What’s next, Cynthia Oil Spill and Marco Global Warming as Sebastian and Flounder? Come on. To play devil’s advocate, it remains to be seen just how kinky this updated Ariel will be so Jordan remains an option.
He may be the dark seahorse of the competition, but who better to satisfy a mermaid’s needs than a chef? With his age and experience, he is the perfect candidate to win over fair Ariel. He’s loyal, as proven through the fourteen cooking shows he’s hosted on The Food Network; but more importantly, he definitely knows his way around a fish vagina, as proven by the fourteen cooking shows he’s hosted on The Food Network.
I am confident that Disney will ultimately make the right decision for the franchise and everyone’s favorite little mermaid. Ariel deserves the love of a good man – once, of course, she turns 18.
Paige Smith is a writer and comedian based in Los Angeles. You may know her from her beauty guru parody videos or from performing with her sketch troupe Buddy Trap. Paige is also a contributing writer for Reel Honey.