By Katie Conway, Contributor
**For those who would rather not know the fate of our favorite characters as we approach the final season of HBO’s Game of Thrones, stop reading now.**
In a most shocking turn of events, HBO’s advanced security system was breached once again late Monday night. Its system entails a friendly dog chained to a fence that guards a tiny vault with the pin number 1234. The hackers that cracked this tricky code stole every copy of the yet-to-be filmed eighth and final season of Game of Thrones. The masterminds behind this heinous crime soon released all the dirty details of Thrones across the Internet for the world to see. We gathered all the spoilers we could find and put them in one place, to make it easier for you to ruin one of the last great television shows our time for yourself almost two years before it airs. Without further ado, here is everything you need to know about how Thrones comes to its fantastical conclusion:
- Jon Snow’s real father is William Turner, a.k.a. Orlando Bloom from Pirates of the Caribbean
- Sansa maintains her new brand of *fierce* Lady Stark and goes for the pixie cut
- A groundhog did NOT, in fact, see its shadow this year in Westeros. So we get an early spring instead of another hundred year winter.
- The Night King is actually cousins with Queen Elsa from Frozen
- Cersei grows tired of being Queen and starts her own line of red wine, moves to Hawaii, and embarks on a journey of self discovery.
- Dumbledore reveals to Daenerys that she was a Horcrux the whole time!
- Gendry disappears through the enchanted wardrobe to Narnia and never returns
- There’s a whole episode of improv where they just slap Cersei, Tyrion, Podrick, and Davos in a room for 80 minutes, just see what happens
- Bran is bisexual
- Little Finger’s ghost haunts Winterfell and plays pranks on the Stark children
- Bronn ends up on the Iron Throne, and also takes up stand-up comedy. You can catch him Thursday and Saturday Nights Hot Pie’s Tavern!
- The Hound and The Mountain hug it out
- Jaime confesses his love for Brienne of Tarth, but she’s already claimed her love for Tormund
- Ned Stark was alive the whole time!
- Puff the Magic Dragon marries Drogon.
- Arya starts her own Academy for Little Assassins
- None of this was real – it was all just a dream Ghost the direwolf had!