Introducing: Apologies For Men
By Mia Mercado, Contributor
Has this ever happened to you? You’re going about your man business, doing manly things like nodding approvingly at hardwood floors or correcting people on Twitter, when suddenly someone accuses you of a Bad Thing.
You try everything: giving your most sincere shrug, saying “haha, my bad,” talking about all the Good Things you’ve done, reminding them you already said “my bad.” Nothing seems to be cutting it, but saying “I’m sorry” just feels too…girly. You need something more macho, more masculine…
You need Apologies For Men! Finally, saying sorry isn’t just for ladies anymore.
Apologies For Men comes in four manly varieties: I Abused My Power (It Is My Curse For Being So Accomplished), I Remember Differently (By That I Mean She’s Lying), I Am Stepping Away (Until I Have Enough New Material For A Book or Netflix Special), and Mountain Musk.
Apologies For Men takes the “sorry” out of “I’m sorry” and masks justification as atonement. Layer all four varieties for extra strength character protection. Apologies For Men comes without those traditionally feminine notes of shame or accountability and is consequence-free as it doesn’t include full admission of wrongdoing.
But does it really work? Check out some of the testimonials. The results speak for themselves:
“I finally used Apologies For Men after years of being told I should. People were right: I felt a lot better after using “I Abused My Power.” Mostly because I got to plug all my shows.” – Louis from New York
“I recently used Apologies For Men for the first time. (Never needed to because I’ve never been forced to pay attention to criticism before!) I was even able to exchange my initial Apology for a brand new one. I can proudly say I’m writing this while simultaneously “Stepping Away.” Can’t wait to return refreshed, recharged, and completely unchanged!” – Logan from the Internet
“The great thing about Apologies For Men is that it’s transferrable. While I’ve never used it on myself, plenty of people have used Apologies For Men on my behalf, and I’ve felt resolve just the same.” – Woody from New York
“I think Apologies For Men is a great thing … I would absolutely use Apologies For Men, sometime in the hopefully distant future, if I’m ever wrong.” – Anonymous from The White House
Order today! You won’t be sorry.
Mia Mercado is a writer living in Kansas City. Her work has been featured in The New Yorker, McSweeney’s, and a bottle she threw in the Milwaukee River when she was 9. You can see more of her writing at miamercado.com but, like, no pressure.