Anna Haddad, Contributor

Tinder would be TJ Maxx. You keep going back because a friend found the perfect pair of designer boots four years ago.

Bumble would be Banana Republic. The windows look great but when you get inside all the pants fit weird.

OkCupid would be the flagship Macy’s clearance room. Your dress could be among the 400 inexplicably puce jumpsuits.

CoffeeMeetsBagel would be Nordstrom Rack. You still have to break your budget for something that might work.

PlentyOfFish would be Forever 21. It has its moments.

Match would be Old Navy. The girl in the ads makes you want to chew glass.

The League would be Sears. Someone you don’t know is about to make bank off it.

Hinge would be the pop-up shop for “tech optimized travel-resistant business attire.” The fabric has an odd sheen.

Zoosk would be that store on the corner with a purse in the window. You’ve never seen anyone enter or leave.

ChristianMingle would be a Walmart Supercenter in a blizzard. You locked your keys in your car outside and their auto department can’t help.

JDate would be Sak’s. If you’re me, it’s not for you.

Anna Haddad is a writer, podcaster and sometime founder based in Chicago. She’s responsible for several works of fiction as well as B2B pieces. Among other credentials, she is a not-quite graduate of Second City. Anna may or not be her real name.