Marcia Baker, Contributor

Timmy Royce, 14 months, on Monday denied any ties to his older sister Lisa’s birthday cake, which at press time is sitting half-eaten on the dining room floor, calling a question on the subject “a disgrace” after reports suggested he had confiscated half of the vanilla cake before the party.

“I never worked with the family dog to get that cake off the table and eat it, and you know that answer better than anybody,” Timmy told his mother as she was preparing to give him a bath to wash frosting off most of his body. “I never ate that cake, I think it’s a disgrace that you even asked that question because it’s a whole big, fat hoax.” Later, Timmy added that “Boomer and I simply had a very successful meeting about how to chew on small toys and how vacuum cleaners are scary.”

The family dog is currently being hosed off in the back yard by Timmy’s father while Lisa cries nearby. When asked whether there would be an investigation, Timmy father stated, “Timmy’s just always getting into everything and acting like a maniac. Honestly, we’re just always working on damage control and trying to hold everything together in the house.