By Katie Qué, Contributor
Are you just a nice guy who can’t get the girl of your dreams even though you deserve her because you are a nice guy? Have people ever told you you’re a nice guy because you’re an introvert and retweet women sometimes? Would you personally qualify yourself as a nice guy, say in conversation or explicitly in your dating profile?
Then this is the guide for you.
Mention that you were a nerd in high school (and in many ways still are)! Did you like comic books? Did you lose your virginity later than the rest of your friends? These two things alone show that you are a sensitive person. It doesn’t even matter how you’ve ever treated anyone! You liked video games!
Say something about her body in a way that demonstrates you think she’s too hot for you, even though you’ve never really believed that because here you are saying something about her body!
How about a microaggression? Something nice guys deserve more than any other guy is a girl who is not like other girls. Do you think she’s quirky? Does she remind you of a character in a Judd Apatow movie you’ve watched several times (in between playing all those video games lol)? Tell her about it!
Tell her more things. Because you are, by nature, an intellectual. We all know that nice guys are also smart guys because, hello???, you were reading, while everyone else was having fun!
Note that she looks like your ex-girlfriend. This will prove to her that you a) have had a girlfriend at least once, and b) would totally fuck her.
But wait, have you tried negging? Now would be the perfect time to also tell her all the things you didn’t like about your ex-girlfriend that could apply to her as well.
Lastly, and this one is critical, do not forget to make sure she knows that you are a feminist! While you’re telling her about stuff, casually mention that you’ve heard of Gloria Steinem. Or maybe just wear a pin you found on the ground outside of a Planned Parenthood. It’s subtle, but strategically placed, things like this that will help her understand that you are, of course, an ally.
And if all that fails, you can always, always look her deep in the eyes and say very wistfully, “But I’m a nice guy.”
Katie Qué is a Boston-based comedian and writer who veils her feminist agenda behind upspeak and vocal fry. Her self-worth depends entirely on likes and retweets. Follow her: @imyourkatieque