By Kathy Lynch, Contributor
Do you feel inadequate because certain dogs with Facebook profiles get more attention than you? Do you seethe because you have to look cute and go on unique vacations to get recognition, while all French bulldogs have to do is wear tiny hats? Are you sick of seeing some thirsty Shiba Inu wrack up Likes while you feverishly type status updates into the void?
Then pull up a chair; we’ve got some life hacks to cure your petty canine resentment!
1. Remember the first rule of self-acceptance: We can’t all be dogs and that’s OK.
Seeing some charismatic mutt get 10,000 likes for wearing a lobster costume can be disheartening when your career change announcement only earned 50, but you need to accept your limitations as a non-dog and learn to be comfortable in your inferior human form.
2. Show yourself some tough love.
Realize that you’re probably a f@cking monster for being jealous of a German Shepherd puppy with a name like Nougat. You see those little paws and that delightfully fuzzy belly, yet still manage to feel something negative? What the hell is wrong with you?
3. Take solace in the fact that your insatiable quest for attention is actually very dog-like.
When posting attractive photos or writing witty comments to make your friends laugh, you are not so different from a rambunctious Golden Retriever who tries to amuse his owners by trotting around with things from the dirty clothes pile. If your secret dream is to become more like a dog, then you’re well on your way, buddy.
4. Be thankful that you’re just Facebook-jealous of some dog, and not of your friends who are living really cool lives, making more money than you, or achieving their dreams.
So what if some opportunistic hound is kind of pissing you off again? At least you’re not developing negative feelings towards your friends because they seem happy. That type of envy is way more toxic. Oh…you are jealous of your friends, coworkers, and former classmates too? That’s probably a task for a Psychology Today article.
We hope these tips will help you feel a little less bitter the next time a conniving Labrador makes it big with a “Who’s A Good Boy?” meme. Or you can always just unfollow famous pets on social media. They won’t notice! Your passive-aggressive Sad reaction is a mere drop in the bucket to these very popular animals.
Kathy Lynch is a stand up comic and writer from Massachusetts. She has performed in the Women In Comedy Festival and at ImprovBoston. Her most recent comedic accomplishment is headlining a show at a pizzeria.