By Irene Fagan Merrow, Contributor
As women, we are constantly working towards the ultimate goal: to not be like the other girls. This incredible compliment can only be bestowed upon a woman by a man. The glory of having Kevin tell you you’re chill because you’re “just like one of the guys” is truly a life altering experience. It takes a lot of work and self-discipline to be a guy’s gal, but the rewards (being invited to watch the Pats game with the boys, drink beers, and joke about sexual assault) are beyond worth it. Here are some hot tips for any ladies striving to be one of the boys.
Completely rid yourself of the ability to get upset. Guys don’t want to deal with you being emotional all the time. Feelings stress them out, and they need to be able to just kick back and have a good time without you yammering on about how they need to “respect you” and all that nonsense. Anytime you start to feel upset, just lock it up into the pit of your stomach where it can fester and affect you in psychologically damaging ways later. Don’t worry about how Steve and Jared literally smash their pint glasses against the wall every time the Red Sox lose — that’s different. Just keep your mouth shut, smile, and say, “I don’t care lol!” no matter the situation. No drama!
Don’t mention your period, ever. They don’t mention theirs! I mean, technically, they don’t mention theirs because they don’t have one, and they do bring up their dicks and cum constantly, but if you mention that you’re just being a typical woman complaining about everything and will completely blow your cover. Just bleed in silence and smile like a good guy’s gal. No drama!
Don’t be a fan of “girly” movies and TV shows. If you’re going to be involved in Boys’ Time, you can’t be asking for ridiculous things like watching a show with a fully fleshed out female character for you to relate to. Guys have spent their whole lives being fed content that caters to them, and the last thing they need is you asking them to try to understand the female experience by watching some movie about the trials and tribulations of being a woman in a male-dominated industry, or some other fluffy bullshit like that. Throw on Entourage, and don’t forget to laugh at the sexist jokes that make you uncomfortable. No drama!
Rid yourself of any and all opinions. Women voicing their opinions ruins the vibe. Plus, it’s unnecessary because men can just explain your opinion to/for you. Anytime the guys remember that you’re there and ask your opinion, just say, “It doesn’t matter to m–” and then get interrupted by one of them before you finish the sentence. No drama!
Literally turn into a doll that only speaks when the string on your back is pulled and says, “Haha,” “I’m not offended by that,” and, “Feminism is sexist if you really think about it.” No drama!!!
Irene Fagan Merrow is a Brooklyn-based comedian and writer. She has written for Reductress, Paste Magazine, and Above Average. She is a recovered ex-guy’s gal and proudly very not chill.