Local News/Humor

How Can I Be Better? Area Man Posts on Internet, Repository of All Human Knowledge

By Will Martin, Contributor

Local hero Peter DeCastro posted a lengthy status today, noting his unwilling participation in the patriarchy and asking all women how he can improve, before his daily hour spent browsing the Overwatch subreddit.

“Listen, I’m woke. I understand that even without assaulting anyone, I can be implicitly part of the problem,” said DeCastro, closing six tabs of Cyber Monday deals. “But I have no way to figure out how to fix my behavior without personal explanation.”

DeCastro estimates that, between his phone and desktop computer, he spends two to three hours every day on the Internet. The Internet is an increasingly popular series of tubes containing every song ever written, PDF scans of Mesopotamian cuneiform tablets, and a list of every winner of Survivor. DeCastro is currently using it to edit a supercut of every time someone makes an “s” sound in the Lord of the Rings Trilogy.

“If I knew what to do, I would do it,” said DeCastro, Instagramming his coffee while he spoke.

His friend Gabriella Jones was relieved to see the post.

“In 2017, when many headlines remind me of a traumatic personal experience, I really love to take a few minutes and explain to men what they can do to be an ally.”

Thrilled to bear the burden of education, she sent him an article via Direct Message that she’d posted two hours earlier. Reports say DeCastro then deleted several comments from his friend Angela Connors because they sounded “too bossy.”

But gathering information wasn’t the only reason DeCastro made his post. “I suppose I want all my Facebook friends to know that I consider this is an important issue,” he said. “Especially the girl from work I have a crush on.”

DeCastro was most recently seen joke-editing the Wikipedia page for The Great Emu War.

Will Martin is a Boston standup and improv comedian who charms audiences across New England with the vibe of a childless fun dad. You can find him tweeting when he’s hungry, sad or both @mrwillmartin.