Hot Girl Doppelgängers and Me

Nicole Walkow, Contributor

A super hot girl turns to her significantly less attractive friend while I bag her groceries, and says, “What celebrity do people say that you look like?”

She does this, of course, so she can then say, “Really? No one? I get people all the time! It’s so annoying. Yesterday someone told me I look like Margot Robbie.”

She doesn’t.

As I handed her the receipt and muttered, “Have a great day,” I started thinking about the whole celebrity doppelgänger thing and how, just like the significantly less attractive friend, I don’t have one. I just look like a combination of my mother and father when they look frustrated, plus a deviated septum.

But then I remembered something:

A few years ago an insanely drunk man approached me in a dimly lit room and said, “Yoo know hoo yoo loo lak?? Yoo loo lak da grrl fruh dat sha Frenz.”

Feeling deeply hurt as I assumed he meant Phoebe, I responded to him in a tone that sounded like I felt deeply hurt because I assumed he meant Phoebe, and said, “Like who? Phoebe?”

Upon hearing this, the man responded by stumbling backwards as he exhaled a smattering of spit and toxic fumes from his red face, with a “Pluh!” followed by, “No. Nah thah wuh! Da autha wun da wun dat wuz maweed to Bra Pith! Dat wun…Da Jenafah Annahthon!! Jenafah Annathon!!” 

“Oh. Really,” I responded with a giggle and a coy smile as I began to slowly make my way toward him. Then, just as I was passing him by, I leaned in close, but not too close because I didn’t want to get attacked or anything, and whispered, “That’s because I am Jennifer Annathon”.

And then I left.

Sometimes, like right now as I’m writing this, I think about that moment, and that man. I like to imagine he’s out there somewhere. Maybe he’s drunk, maybe he’s sober, maybe he’s dead. Who knows. Or maybe, just maybe, he’s somewhere right now, telling his buddies about that time he met the famous Jennifer Annathon under the dim lights of the Arundel Mills Mall.

P.S. I look nothing like anyone from Frenz.

Nicole Walkow is a comedian and writer in Washington, D.C.