How to Get That Raise, Girl!

Anna Currell, Contributor

The workplace can be tricky, especially for women. Follow these simple steps to make sure you get the promotion you deserve, babe!

Always Be the First in the Office. Showing up on time is great, but why not show up early with a Starbucks in hand for your boss? It will show that not only are you thoughtful and punctual, but also that you do not make coffee at home. Do not ever hint at domesticity, because he might ask you to start making him sandwiches.

Dress for the Job You Want. I’m talking nice blouse, clean and spiffy loafers, tie, men’s slacks, men’s suit jacket, men’s wig. How will anyone give you a man’s job if you don’t dress like one? Go full on Mulan, girl. Get creative with it!

Be a Team Player. Nod your head when your boss takes credit for your idea at the staff meeting. After all, your ideas are being recognized! Way to go, girl!

Keep a Positive Attitude.When Brian gets a raise after his second week of working at the company, be relentlessly happy for him. In fact, try to make sunshine burst out of your bright, cheery smile. Your dedicated time of 5 years, 3 months, 6 days and 3.5 hours at this office will pay off sooner or later! It has to, right? Right?!

Laugh at All Your Boss’s Jokes, Even the Stupid Ones. This one is pretty obvious, but it should be noted that you’re not allowed to make any jokes yourself. Oh, and in the break room when you try and make small talk, you should just ignore when he says he’s never heard of any female comedians. Whatever you do, definitely don’t list any for him.

Confidence is Key! Your boss likes when his employees boldly believe in something, when they fight for what they feel is right. Now, when you go ask him for that promotion, be clear about what you want with confidence and unwavering stamina. It’s empowering when women know what they want! You can do it, girl!

No, Not Like That! Oh my god, now he’s going to think you’re one of those bossy women who demand respect. You have to make him think it was his idea, that he was the one that noticed potential in you that nobody else can even detect, especially not yourself. Are you even listening? I feel like I couldn’t be clearer about this.

On Second Thought, You’re Really Good at Your Current Job. You know what? Your job right now is fine, right? You like it enough! Shine where you are right now, babe, because everyone needs an Executive Assistant!

Anna Currell is a writer, improviser, MFA candidate, and Costco Wholesale Gold Star member based in Boston. She remembers not one, but two phrases from the French class she took during her Freshman year in college, but she wants you to know she is not bragging about it, just very proud.