By Bart O’Kavanaugh

I went to a 5-star basketball camp. It’s famous. I worked my butt off to get into the number-one rated law school in the country. I wasn’t handed anything except four years at one of the most prestigious private catholic high schools in the country (Chief Justice Kennedy went there too! The tuition is only $37,215 per year. With room and board it’s $60,280. I’m sure it was much lower in 1982. I don’t know, my parents paid for it). Also football and basketball camps to hone my sports skills, and most importantly, a father who kept such good calendars that it brings me to tears.

And yet, despite that, look how much I’ve achieved! How could such a high achiever have time to assault someone? Only low achievers have time for that. I was studying in the library every night. Except for the nights I was drinking beer. I’ve never been attacked like this before. It feels really terrible to be attacked like this. It’s a bad new feeling and it makes me really upset. Everyone always says really nice things about me. Look at all these women sitting behind me I didn’t try to rape. It’s really about all the women I didn’t try to rape, isn’t it, kind of like jazz is about the notes you don’t play?

I know I did not assault anyone ever, because even though, I, like any normal guy in America (I’m no east coast elite except that I’m from the east coast and I went to elite east coast schools and I live in an exclusive Washington-area neighborhood which is on the east coast and I’ve been in positions of power for many years on the east coast (drain the swamp!) I liked beer. I still like beer. Sometimes I drank too much and did things that make me cringe as an adult looking back, but not rape-y things, goofy things, like locker-room talk and horseplay and trying to make my yearbook sound like “Animal House” or “Fast Times at Ridgemont High”, which were movies that were popular back then, but didn’t affect my mentality in any other way than what I wrote in my yearbook.

I mean, who hasn’t had too much to drink and remembered every second of it with zero gaps in their memories? I never drank alcohol on weeknights that summer except that one time I wrote it in my calendar that I had some “skis” at my buddy’s house.

Look how well-spoken I am. I typed zero percent of this in all caps. I know not to do that because it sounds shouty. I am impartial. I just wish the democrats were impartial, instead of orchestrating this search and destroy (just like Trump says! We said the same thing completely independently) hit job to avenge the Clintons.

This is unfair because it’s happening now and not two months ago. If it happened two months ago it wouldn’t have been as bad but the Democrats waited a whole two months to spring this on me, which would be like not letting a qualified candidate have a hearing for almost a year for no reason other than they didn’t want to. That would be terrible. Or like pushing someone into a bedroom from behind and trying to rape them.

It is shameful to try to find out if a Supreme Court nominee ever assaulted someone. This has been really hard on me. And my family. Look at my wonderful family. They like me. Look how sad my mom looks. HOW DARE YOU DO THIS to ME! I demand no investigation to clear my name.