By Margaret Stolte, Contributor
The fake news media has officially crossed the line. He said SINKHOLE, not SHITHOLE, you idiots. President Trump was in a meeting about DACA, an acronym he is totally committed to learning the meaning of within the next month or so when he received breaking news about massive, life threatening sinkholes opening up in the countries of Haiti, Africa, and most likely just because duh but has yet to be confirmed, Puerto Rico. There’s bound to be something going on down there, you know. These are “sinkhole” countries and boy did their earth’s crusts open the fuck up.
We are dispatching the military to Haiti right now to plug these sinkholes. There will be boots on the ground in Africa soon. Africa and Haiti are obviously different sized countries, so we are sending big plugs, little plugs, and some really, really big plugs to each location. Not hair plugs like the ones Donald and I got last year but like, real, very large earth plugs. Basically XXXXL plungers.
People are falling into the sinkholes. This is very serious. Like, Puerto Rico level disaster. Like I said earlier, Puerto Rico is another example of a sinkhole country, a country we get along with very well! They seem to do whatever we say but depend on us like, a lot. I think there are probably sinkholes there right now, but I don’t know because they won’t pick up their cell phones. Last I heard everyone there was sharing the same iPhone charger and outlet.
Eric and Don Junior are in Africa right now on safari. Their land rovers nearly fell into one of the sinkholes. Giraffes are falling into the sinkholes. Wild tigers and exotic birds. Elephants, along with their very expensive tusks that Eric uses for his advanced wizardry courses. While CNN, the DNC, and Anderson Cooper have been boohooing about their BFFs in Haiti being compared to poop, President Trump is out on the front lines RIGHT NOW throwing rolls of toilet paper as fast as he can into the largest sinkhole in Port-au-Prince. Yeah, that’s right, and you all thought that Puerto Rico stint was an out of touch publicity stunt – it was PRACTICE, BIOTCHES.
Look, it’s pretty simple. There’s a lot of big sinkholes, one super big sinkhole for each sinkhole country, and a couple smaller ones that are just as bad. We all know President Trump can sometimes be hard to understand, as he may, but definitely 100% does have early onset dementia, which is why certain Democrats may have heard a different word in place of “sink” hole. Wait, did I just say that out loud? Whatever, I mean, pretty much everyone knows by now anyway. If you would like to help those suffering in these sinkhole countries, toilet paper donation centers are opening up in every major city. All proceeds will go to plugging one of these sinkholes with your donated rolls, or we might just light them all on fire with a whole bunch of other paper to fuck up the ozone layer some more. Ciao!
Margaret Stolte is a proud midwesterner turned skeptical Brooklynite. You can find her compulsively tweeting in the corner at the bar or sobbing in the street because of a passing group of pre schoolers in matching t-shirts on a field trip. Follow her on Twitter and Instagram @margoatz.