M.R. Starling, Contributor
Let’s be real. We’ve all had our fair share of daddies, but these women definitely take the cake. They have consistently proven that they can fend for themselves in the hardest of times and most difficult situations. After all, it’s super badass to fight and kill demons and psychopaths in classic horror movies. So what makes one a daddy? We’ve decided to break it down into three categories: Sexiness, badassery, and the ability to deliver mic-drop lines.
Let’s take a look at our top 5…
1) Laurie Strode in Halloween 1978 and 2018
Ah, Laurie Strode. The granddaddy of all daddies.
The Sexy: First off, it’s Jamie Lee Curtis. She has aged like a fine cabernet sauvignon or cheddar cheese. Extra sharp. Also, have you noticed that husky, smooth-jazz voice? When she says, “Do as I say!” I most definitely want to. She says “Jump” and I say “How high, daddy?”
The Badass: Okay, so since there have been two movies, we’ll give an example of her badassery from both. In Halloween (1978), Laurie was the green banana of daddies…not quite “ripe” but just you wait. As an 18 year old babysitter, Laurie was badass beyond her years. When Michael Myers was about to kill her, Laurie totally swerved his attack, then proceeded to stab his neck with a knitting needle. Like, damn. Now, moving on to Halloween (2018), Laurie is now one yellow banana. So yellow, it’s a color of its own. It’s daddy yellow. Since Michael is still alive and in an insane asylum, Laurie is anticipating his return to finally end his life. When he inevitably escapes, Laurie is hellaprepared. In a nutshell, she creates a man-cage out of her home, and with the help of her daughter and granddaughter, they trap Michael in the basement and burn the whole fucking house down. Extra damn.
The Mic Drop Line: “Do as I say!”
Verdict: The Granddaddy Daddy.
2) Clarice Starling in Silence of the Lambs
Don’t let that soft, southern accent fool you. Agent Clarice Starling is anything but your typical southern belle.
The Sexy: Look at the bob. That luscious, brown mane. No layers. Also, she’s in great fucking shape. She’s training for the fucking FBI. I don’t have to see behind that cheap, goodwill suit to know there’s a hot bod underneath it. And apparently, you can “smell her cunt” from a distance, according to a masterbating crazy man that’s next door to Hannibal Lector. So…I have additional questions.
The Badass: The ending of Silence of the Lambs is iconic. Let’s break this down. While the heads of the FBI (all men, by the way) are travelling to the wrong place to capture Buffalo Bill, Clarice figures out where he’s actually located, and literally knocks on his door and enters the house alone, gun drawn. Obviously, she knows it’s him. The dude is weird. Fast forward, Buffalo Bill is hiding somewhere in the basement and it’s pitch black. Clarice literally walks blindly, in the dark, while a fucking psychopath is ready to pounce on her any minute. As soon as she senses he’s close to her, she fires immediately, and kills him. She saves the day!
Meanwhile, the FBI men finallyrealize they’re in the wrong place andmeetup with Clarice after the whole ordeal. Christ. Thank god for women, am I right?
The Mic Drop Line:“Tell me his name, Doctor!”
Verdict:Southern Flavor Daddy / Country Fried Chicken Daddy
3) Beverly Marsh in IT 2018
Now, I know what you’re thinking. Beverly Marsh may seem too young or have too many daddy issues herself to be a daddy. But she is, in fact, a daddy.
The Sexy: We’re not going to go too into this. I mean, she’s 12. But Beverly knows she’s the hot shit of middle school. Even the other girls in her class that bully her know that too, even if they don’t admit it. We root for you, Bev.
The Badass: Everyone hates clowns. Don’t lie to us. And Pennywise is a whole new level of creepy clown. But Bev is not afraid of him. When Pennywise snatches her and brings her to his dead/possessed children lair, he tries everything in his power to scare her. This includes a very aggressive, uncomfortable clown dance. Was that the director’s decision? Anyway, Pennywise lifts Bev off the ground, and she legit looks him in the eyes and says, “I’m not afraid of you.” Respect.
The Mic Drop Line:“I’m not afraid of you.”
Verdict: Daddy Issues Daddy
4) Sidney Prescott in Scream
Now let’s backtrack to 1996. Sidney freaking Prescott. The daddy of Scream. Or perhaps, the daddy that’ll make you scream.
The Sexy: Every classic horror movie needs a good ol’ virgin. And Neve Campbell is the untouched girl next door…that you absolutely want to touch. Unfortunately for her, the killer of the movie ends up taking her virginity. But she can just pretend that didn’t happen. Right? We will too.
The Badass: Where to begin? Besides the fact that Sidney is able to kick her attacker in the face every time they come at her, the ending of the movie is when her true badassery is born. When she discovers that her boyfriend and his best friend are the faces behind the scream mask, she waits until their backs are turned and totally ghosts them. They come looking for her, and she springs out of the closet, with the whole scream getup on, and stabs her boyfriend in the chest. Fuck yeah. She also pushes a working TV on the boyfriend’s best friend’s head. Then obviously they both die. Fuck yeah.
The Mic Drop Line: “Not in my movie!”
Verdict: “Scream” for me Daddy
5) Valak in The Conjuring 2 and The Nun
Let’s switch gears a little bit and talk about our favorite demonic daddy, Valak.
The Sexy: Maybe it’s the catholic schoolgirl in me, but Valak is one of the sexiest, demonic entities out there. When she walks down those long, shadowy hallways, you can totally feel her BDE (big demonic energy). And she comes with her own soundtrack wherever she goes. You know how they say, “tall, dark and handsome?” Honestly, I think it should be, “Tall, pale, and demonic.” I’m also a sucker for green eyes. Well…Mountain Dew-yellow eyes, I guess.
The Badass: So since Valak is the star of two movies, we’ll break down her badassery in both. In The Conjuring 2, Valak made her star debut. One of her highlight moments was when she entered Lorraine Warren’s house, uninvited, and slithered into her office. Lorraine follows Valak into the room, and all of a sudden, an extremely creepy soundtrack plays of “Hark the Herald Angels Sing.” After an incredibly long, uncomfortable scene of Lorraine trying to find Valak in this room, Valak slinks behind the painting of herself and finally attacks Lorraine. When
Lorraine collapses, she is transported to a potential foreshadowing of Valak murdering her husband, Ed. Spoilers, Valak! The power to spoil your own movie halfway through is some huge BDE.
Now, onto The Nun. Well, Valak isn’t really seen too much (irony?) but when she is, you will see her choking anyone that comes in contact with her. That is some classically daddy shit, Valak. One of her memorable moments is when she lifts Frenchie off the ground, and literally mouth-fucks him with her snake. He also gets possessed, but that’s a whole other thing.
The Mic Drop Line: “Rahhhhhhhh!”
Verdict: BDE Daddy
M.R. Starling is a writer and director in Midtown Manhattan. When she isn’t producing plays or ruling over her war-like army of Betta fish, she likes to comment on human endeavors, mostly American.