By Glagoorian The Eviscerator of the Circinus Galactic Empire, Contributor
Hagerstown, Maryland — As Patricia and Michael Hamlin sit down to speak with me at their home in Hagerstown, Maryland, it’s clear their marriage has seen better days. The strain of becoming the guardians of the mysterious Creation Orb, capable of both creation and utter destruction of the multiverse and everything in it, has put a significant strain on their relationship.
“It all started two years ago when we were cooking a meal from one of those delivery services Michael signed us up for without discussing it with me beforehand”, reports Patricia. “There was a brilliant flash of light and a loud crash outside. When we went to investigate, we found a flying saucer wedged into the grass in the backyard.
“Then a hatch opened and inside the ship there was a dying alien”, interrupts Michael. “The alien was bleeding green blood and gasping for air. Then it turns its squid-like head to look at us and pulls out this glowing Orb”, he continues, pointing to the object levitating over an iPad and watching gaming videos.
“So the alien tells us he is creating an unbreakable bond between us to the Orb, and we have to protect it at all costs”, says Patricia , massaging her temples with one hand. “It was so crazy and we knew the neighbors would be super weird about it, so we took the orb the buried the alien and its ship in the shade garden by the water feature.”
“What’s this “we”? Michael interjects, coldly.
“Anyway,” continues Patricia, rolling her eyes, “the Orb has the power to levitate, and we really have to keep an eye on it. We had to get rid of the dog door because it kept trying to get out. It’s a full-time job taking care of it and we both have demanding jobs. Plus we’re constantly looking over our shoulders to make sure the shapeshifting Aliens from the Circinus Galaxy who will stop at nothing to attain the orb haven’t found us. And it really stresses out our dog, Lucky.
As she speaks, their dog Lucky cowers in a corner, compulsively licked its its paws. The Orb floats around the room listlessly, and eventually knocks over a vase on a side table, smashing it.
“Dammit, Orb. We can’t have anything nice in this house because of you!” yells Michael, while pointing and glaring at the Orb. As if reacting to Michael’s anger, the Orb quickly levitates up the stairs and the sound of an upstairs door slamming shakes the house.
“Great, now it’s going to be up there all day”, said Patricia, her voice filled with frustration.
“Good! It can stay up there until it learns to respect this house and everyone in it.”
“That is no way to talk about the Orb that has the power to change physics and birth galaxies.”
“Yeah, well, that doesn’t make up for it forcing me to experience the birth, life, and death of every organism in the universe simultaneously when it’s mad at me”.
Patricia storms up the stairs and returns with the Orb in hand. The couple then proceeded to physically fight over the Orb and how best to discipline it.
At that, I morph back to my true alien form, radiate an annihilation beam through the house, and extract the Creation Orb from their cold, dead hands.
Glagoorian The Eviscerator of the Circinus Galactic Empire has written for such publications as Time Portal Weekly, The HD 134060 Times, and McSweeney’s.