By Arianna Durnell, Contributor

During his office’s catered lunch, Patrick Larpin was overheard complaining about how horrible vegans are by some of the female coworkers he has personally harassed.

“Vegans just think they’re entitled to everything,” said Larpin while scribbling a ranking of the office’s female employees according to hotness. “I’ll never understand how anyone could live that way.”

These statements didn’t surprise his female coworkers since he typically makes  snide remarks about the animal-free options available at work lunches.

“Yeah, he’s always poking fun at vegans for being weak—when he’s not making offensive jokes about women being sex objects,” said Julia Hanabey, Larpin’s cubicle neighbor.

Larpin has had seven HR reports filed against him this month with no repercussions due to his high rank within the company.

“All I’m saying is, it’s a crazy way to be as a person. Vegans think they’re so much better than everyone else! Just because you think you’re superior, doesn’t mean you get to push your agenda on everyone around you,” Larpin said as he touched the small of a coworker’s back.

“He has made every woman in this office uncomfortable,” said Account Manager Maggie Murdo. “But sure, I’m the disgusting person here for not eating animal products.”

Arianna Durnell is a New York based writer/performer who was named one of Mogul’s comedians to look out for in 2018. Her writing has been published on Reductress, Robot Butt, and The Higgs Weldon and her sketch comedy has been featured on WhoHaha and Comedy Cake. Visit ariannadurnellcomedy.com for more of her work.