Elyssa Epstein, Contributor

About a year ago, I read – well, glanced at – a couple different articles that claimed Juicy Couture tracksuits would be making a comeback. I immediately decided to visit Covered Acres Cemetery, where my high school frenemy, Joanna Cohen, was buried back in 2004. Joanna was laid to rest in her pink Juicy Couture tracksuit, so I made my way over to her grave and began digging. Looking at the Juicy Couture tracksuit that now loosely draped Joanna’s body brought back a lot of memories. I remember staring at her in envy walking down the halls, and later at her open casket at her funeral.  I carefully stripped the Juicy Couture tracksuit off her bony body without the graveyard watchman noticing.

Joanna was the coolest girl at school, and I would say 76% of the coolness was directly attributable to her Juicy Couture tracksuit. She strutted down the halls like she owned the place, or like her dad was the principal, which is ridiculous because Mr. Cohen was only Vice Principal. Man, Mr. Cohen cried so much on February 7th, 2004 – the day of the aforementioned funeral. Joanna looked flawless even in her casket. Her skin? Unblemished. Her hair? Cascading in perfect strawberry blonde curls over her pink velour Juicy Couture tracksuit. Of course, none of that remains, but Joanna somehow still looks amazing, probably because of the Juicy Couture tracksuit. I wanted a Juicy Couture tracksuit so badly, but my parents thought it was a waste of money. Joanna made fun of me relentlessly. She told me that if I couldn’t wear a Juicy Couture tracksuit, I might as well show up to school naked. Well, look who’s naked now, Joanna. YOU! IT’S YOU!

Anyway, it’s been several months now and there’s still been no say on whether Juicy Couture tracksuits are officially back in style. If there are any fashionistas or trendsetters out there reading this and know the destiny of Juicy Couture tracksuits, please let me know. I’m waiting patiently to wear the pink Juicy Couture tracksuit, which is now hanging in my closet, right next to my souvenir pile of Joanna’s right femur and three ribs.

Elyssa Epstein is a writer/comedian from Philadelphia.