By George Newton, Contributor

After millions of dollars and a worldwide search, a woman who enjoys getting unsolicited pictures of male genitalia has been found. Nicole Freeman says she enjoys knowing what every penis she comes into contact with looks like and what their various owners would do to her with them.

“Why wouldn’t I want to see a stranger’s veiny schlong on the same device I’m texting my grandma on?” Freeman said. “It’s so much more of a turn on than seeing their face or learning any personal details. Not to be gross, but it’s basically free porn. And in this day and age, where can I find free porn?”

When told that some women don’t feel this way, Freeman said, “Why would I find it creepy to know what my boss’s penis look like? Or my next door neighbor? My doctor? My dentist? My son’s preschool teacher? All the clergy members in the area? Doesn’t it make you feel good to know what fetishes everyone around you has? I find it very relaxing. Just the other day, I learned about my ob-gyn’s sex dungeon and that won’t make my next visit awkward at all.” She is especially receptive to reading misspelled descriptions of sexual acts that are physically impossible.  

Freeman says she also enjoys being stopped every two minutes by men on the street who describe lewd acts they’d like to perform on her. “My self-worth is so minimal, I need a man to validate me at every step I take.  If I didn’t have a mission to look good for men, why would I get up in the morning?” The fact that a single push up would probably kill one of these men does nothing to disprove their thesis that physical attractiveness is the only way someone should be judged.

It isn’t just general commentary that Freeman welcomes. “I also enjoy being told what will happen to me because of the way I’m dressed.  It’s useful to know that the amount of fabric someone wears determines their sexual availability.” 

George Newton is the head writer and director of Boston-based sketch group The Voices In Our Heads, which has appeared at ImprovBoston and The Riot Theatre. He still believes that people are laughing with him.