Actor Corey Feldman, 45, Found in His Apartment, Alive and Well

By Marcia Baker, Contributor

Los Angeles, CA — Fans and neighbors were shocked to learn that on Monday, November 10th, 2014, actor Corey Feldman was still alive and in good health.

“I couldn’t believe it it when I heard”, said Heather Cannavaro, 39, of Silverlake. “I think back to the little kid from Stand By Me and the Goonies and it just takes me back to my youth. It reminds me of what a promising performance River Phoenix gave and what an amazing comeback Josh Brolin has made with his career in the last few years. I can’t believe that innocent little kid I vaguely remember is now still out there, just living his life.”

Firefighters broke down Feldman’s door after repeatedly knocking and calling out to him. “All we could hear what the sound of the shower running and an unidentified individual yelling back “Just a minute, let me put on a robe” and “I’ll be right there.”

When authorities finally entered Feldman’s apartment, he was found not nude, standing in the living room, like “what the fuck is going on here? What are you doing?”

“I could not believe my eyes”, said firefighter Donald Reynolds, who was at the scene. “Usually, when we enter an actor’s home, they’re face-down and nude on the bed, or nude and hanging in the closet, or nude on the bathroom floor by the toilet.  To see him just standing there and alive like that…” he continued, shaking his head, “is something I’ll never forget.”

Firefighter Adam Stauer reported that upon entering the apartment, they immediately questioned Feldman. We asked him “Are you the housekeeper? Where is Feldman’s body? When did you last see him alive?” He responded “I am Corey Feldman. What the fuck is going on?”

A third emergency worker is currently on suspension for leaking photos from the scene of the actor looking confused and annoyed.

Los Angeles Medical Examiner Joanna Sullivan made the following statement: “Between his close friendship with Corey Haim, his bananas audio commentary on the Goonies DVD, and all the weird Michael Jackson stuff, I was sure he was deceased. I was halfway through filling out his death certificate when they called and were like ‘Actually, he’s fine’.”

Repeated calls to Feldman’s agent were not returned, but Feldman had this to say: “I’m totally fine. But I think the fire department should replace my door.”

Feldman is reportedly working steadily in film and television and last appeared in the 2013 film Zero Dark Dirty, alongside Mark Metcalf and Daniel Baldwin, who as of press time, are also still alive.