The 2020 Democratic Presidential Candidates and their Dating App Equivalents

Emily Tolnay, Contributor

Donald Trump being President is like being single. It’s scary, sad, and the future looks grim. Well, like the infinite number of Democratic 2020 presidential candidates, there’s an infinite number of dating apps to help you find the one! So in case you’re unfamiliar with the candidates so far, here’s a list that explains which dating app they are. Hopefully, these comparisons will help you navigate the primary pool and find the candidate that makes your heart race – or at least earns your vote.

1. Beto O’Rourke – Tinder

The most popular of the apps. Everyone’s dowloaded at some point to see what the hype’s about. Swipes are based on hot-or-not looks and this one’s a hot one to pick, even if you don’t fully put your trust in it yet. Users generally convince their friends they’re taking it seriously, when really they just like staring at that hottie on the screen. O’Rourke’s profile would say “Girl, I know you think I’m sexy. I’d Beto my life on it.”

2. Kirsten Gillibrand – Bumble

The most feminist of the apps. Bumble stings gender norms by requiring that women message first. A single mom badass politician from NYC baby doesn’t have time to wait around for shy guys to send the first hello. Her honeycomb blonde hair says it all – Kirsten is ready to Bumble and attract America’s most passive men. Profile would say “Are you single? #MeToo.”

3. Cory Booker – Bounce

The most eager of the apps. Bounce definitely needs to calm down. It may think it’s being innovative but really it’s just too hype. You have seconds to match before Bounce bounces off the walls, stoked to tell you where to meet and when. Designed for the fearless dater – leaders, gladiators; those who believe they are Spartacus. Profile would say “Let’s meet right now!!!!!!!!!!!”

4. Pete Buttigieg – Grindr

The very first openly gay dating app! Grindr is sweet and fun and cuts right to the chase. Over-qualified for the job and highly pragmatic, it points out solutions (hot men) to the problem (your lonely heart) right in front of your face. Literally, a few feet way. Profile would say “Hey boy, want to see me South Bend?”

5. Tulsi Gabbard – eHarmony

This app was once accused of being closed-minded and anti-gay. Boo! eharmony has an old wrinkly father who thought he could stop same-sex marriage but don’t worry – when the public found out, he changed his mind! Studies show eharmony’s truest allegiant is your divorced dad. Profile would say “A swipe for me is a swipe for peace and Tulsi-harmony.”

6. John Hickenlooper – Coffee Meets Bagel

The app with a silly name. For the down-to-earth, eccentric, and quirky dater. A blueberry bagel with wasabi cream cheese. AH. Some try to abbreviate the name but that ends up being much worse. Dates don’t need to involve bagels but you can see a movie. Just make sure it’s “Deep Throat” and don’t forget to bring your mom. Profile would say “Baby, come closer. I don’t bagel bite.”

7. Bernie Sanders – JDate

This one’s for the Jews. JDate appeals to crotchety daters who tell it like it is. At one point its followers were considered too angsty, too white, and too male – oh my! But now, a more diverse crowd wants a taste of that matzah ball soup. As long as you had your 21st in the 21st century, JDate’s for you. It’s old but still fighting for its ideas to become policy – like when a nice Jewish girl gets an angsty white male to break glass and dance the hora. Profile would say “Corporate puppets and shiksas swipe left.”

8. Amy Klobuchar – OkCupid

This app appeals to many by taking a vague stance right in the middle. Careful not to turn anyone off, it markets as not for those seeking one night stands, but not for desperate marriage hunters either. On here, anyone can message you. Anyone.Okay, Cupid. So this app is for daters up for anything. Like holding a rally in the middle of a blizzard. Profile would say “My expectations are high. I need a man who can take a binder to the face once in a while.”

9. Elizabeth Warren – Match

The grandmother of all dating apps. The very first to officially announce it’s a dating site. An oldie but goodie, Match is willing to take things really far in order to make connections. DNA-blood-test-far. Profile would say “Just a girl looking for my Captain John Smith.”

10. Jay Inslee – Plenty of Fish

POF is just another dating app. You’ve heard of it, but haven’t looked into it yet. It sort of harps on the idea that there’s plenty of fish in the sea. Cute! Like how Inslee harps on climate change. Profile would say “Global warming is real. Soon there won’t be plenty of fish.”

11. John Delaney – Zoosk

An app you’ve never heard of but the name is pretty close to something you have heard of. Profile would say “I don’t know Zoosk. Did you mean the zoo? I don’t know John Delaney. Did you mean John Mulaney?”

12. Andrew Yang – EliteSingles

Another one. Again, you don’t know much about it but it’s there. By now you’re thinking, “Why are there so many apps? Aren’t they all the same? Wouldn’t picking any of them be better than being single for 4 more years?” Yes and yes and yes and yes and yes and yes and yes.

13. Marianne Williamson – Raya

Now, this dating app has a little star power. Raya is rumored to be exclusively for celebs – woah! Which absolutely means it’s the candidate who’s also a four-time NY Times bestselling author! Profile would say “I’m a bitch for God and Oprah’s my girl. Swipe right for spiritual awakening.”

14. Kamala Harris – Hinge

This app is hella dank. Hinge is hip, thoughtful, and can totally get down with the cool kids, if that’s what’ll increase its following. It asks hard-hitting questions but don’t sweat, it acknowledges the commonality of smoking weed so like, it gets it. Like a laid-back gnarly Cali babe, Hinge keeps it #real making connections based on mutual interests. Profile would say “True or False: I listened to Tupac and Snoop in college.”

15. Howard Schultz – Facebook Dating

If this is real, it shouldn’t be. Can you think of anything more unnecessary? What a bad idea! Anyone who supports it I’m gonna unfriend. It’s already made it’s thing and has more money than any human being should ever be allowed to have so what’s on your mind, Howard? Profile would say “I like my women like I like my coffee – tall, hot, and on every corner.”

16. Joe Biden – Meeting someone in person

This is what you thought you wanted to win in the end…but now are like “Oh wait, that’s actually super creepy.”

Amtrak Joe lost his mojo. You were thinking “These apps are nice, but can’t we just go back to the way things were?” Nope! Not knowing someone’s marital status, sexual orientation, or general interests and asking them out in the grocery store anyway, can go as badly as non-consensual eskimo kisses. Remember: real life has authenticity but it also has stranger danger, creepy uncles, big slow smooches, and unwanted shoulder rubs.

So you might have thought a bookshop meet-cute was the key to your own JoeBama love story, but say bye-bye to Biden ’cause in the real world with no profiles, Joe’s unfiltered opening line would be, “I swear I wasn’t lurking, just Biden my time. May I have permission to smell your hair?”

Emily is a writer/comedian in NYC. She studies sketch and improv at the Upright Citizens Brigade and is currently a Writers’ Research Intern at Saturday Night Live. Follow her @emilytolnay.